Never…..dedicated to “him”

NEVER

I never should have responded to that first IM.
I never should have made that first phone call.
I never should have step beyond the green door.
I never should have opened up my heart and soul to you.
I never should have trusted you.
I never should have believed you loved me.
I never should have believed my heart was safe with you.
I never should have believed that you would protect me.
I never should have allowed you to expose me.
I never should have allowed myself to become so vulnerable to you.
I never should have submitted to you.
I never should have become emotionally dependent on you.
I never should have exposed my kids to you.
I never should have fallen in love with you.

I will never believe your lies.
I will never trust you.
I will never understand why.
I will never respect you.
I will never believe that you are strong.
I will never love you again.
I will never give myself to you.
I will never speak to you.
I will never forget you.

Never say never…..

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Nice Refreshing Fuck You Drink

I wanted to quickly capture this moment, this feeling before it leaves as mysteriously as it arrived.

I woke up this morning feeling an incredible and unexplained sense of confidence, of empowerment, of lightness.  It feels awesome….like I can conquer anything!   For weeks I’ve been feeling weighted down by “why”,  feeling like a victim,  consumed by hurt and rejection…but this morning, I woke up with a “Fuck You” attitude and a smile.  

Not a pissed off Fuck You attitude more like …. I don’t need you, your lies, your cowardice, your bullshit.  Fuck you,  I deserve better than that so be on your way. 

I have no idea where this is coming from so I don’t know how long it will be around.  I wish I could bottle it up and every morning have my “Fuck You Drink”.   How cool and refreshing would that be?!?!

 

This needs no explanation…

image

“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out.”

― Sherrilyn Kenyon

The Girl In The Movie

This weekend I was watching a movie.  In the movie was a woman full of life. When she smiled, her face lit up.  Her laughter was contagious. Even in the scenes when she wasn’t smiling, happiness radiated off her. She seemed so confident and carefree.  I want to be her.

The woman in the movie was me.  That movie was a home movie of my husband and I before we were married, before we even moved into together, before we had children…before we were watered down.  A time when we were “Juice Concentrate” .

I watched her, wondering what happened?  Where did she go?  Where did that loving couple go that was in the movie?  How did we go from light to dark?  More importantly can we get that back?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  How does any relationship survive the watered down effect of life?  How do you stay strong as a couple when the distractions of children, work, a house threatening to drown the love you once shared?  Can we be saved?

Time will tell….

 

The Sent Text Message and the Overthinker

So I did it..I caved and sent “him”, the OM, a text yesterday morning.  It simply said:

“Why did you runaway, {insert his name}? Why…”

That’s it. One little sentence…plain and simple.

I am an overthinker.  I can analyze the crap out of anything and spend hours doing so.  My mind does not shut off.  It constantly thinks, analyzes.  And…that one little sentence was not excluded.  That one little sentence took me about 4 hours to write and finally send.  Yes, 4 hours. 

I came up with about 10 other versions.  The first one was in my post “The Unsent Text Message“.  I found something wrong with each version.  I imagined his reaction to each one.  One was too bitchy, one was too pitiful, one was too long, one was too passive aggressive, one was broken into 2 text messages, one was too this or too that.   

Then just when I thought I had the perfect words, I started thinking about the best time to send it.  Since I don’t know what’s going on with him, this task was a bit challenging.  When I finally decided on the time, I reread the final text version and decided it wasn’t right…..sigh.  The hazards of an overthinker

Yes….lots of time wasted on that one little sentence.  And you know what I received in return.  Nothing.  It’s been 24 hours and no response.

I purposely sent a text versus an email so I can see that it was successfully delivered (always thinking).  So I know it got to his phone.  While part of me didn’t really expect him to reply, there is always that sliver of hope that the “perfect” words will trigger a response.  Now I’m overthinking and analyzing the outcome of this.  Picturing his reaction when he saw it, thinking about what went through his head. 

My mind is already thinking ahead…..The hazards of an overthinker….

From Spark, to Fire, to Smolder

“One day, whether you
Are 14, 28 or 65

You will stumble upon
someone who will start
a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,
most awful truth
you will ever come to find —

..is they are not always
with whom we spend our lives”


There was a spark deep inside me, dormant, waiting for someone to ignite it. That spark was a deep dark desire of mine that I kept hidden from the world. I knew it was there just waiting for the right person. 

That person came along and ignited a bonfire within my soul, in my mind and in my body. He woke the sleeping giant and freed it…never to be contained again. The fire burned hotter, higher, effortlessly.   That person owned the torch that fueled my desire and needs. I freely gave that control to him. I trusted him not to burn me with it.   That person was my Master.

I played with the fire and got burned. The scars will forever remain. The needs and desires that he freed and then left behind still smolder in my soul. It is a part of me that cannot be completely extinguished.