Get out of my head and heart…NOW!

It’s been a challenging night. I can’t seem to get you out of my head.  So it’s going on here.  Hopefully, dumping all my screwed up thoughts and emotions will help get you out of my head and heart.

It’s been a month since I’ve heard from you, a month since you “disappeared”..promising to call in a couple days once you get settled.  You told me you needed me to trust you, that you weren’t pushing me away, that you were always with me. 

Yet…there has been no response to the few messages that I sent you.  I know you found someone else. I know our relationship wasn’t ideal.  My side of our relationship was the problem.   But I also thought we would be in each other’s lives in some way.  I don’t understand how you could just disappear.

Did you ever really care?  I don’t want to believe that you don’t or didn’t care.  But your actions always did speaking louder and more truthful than your words. I just wish you would talk to me….just tell what is going on.  I’ve accepted that we are over.  However, I can’t accept that it was so easy for you to walk away when you said all those things to me.  Told me my heart didn’t need protecting, that it was safe with you.  What a fucking fool I was to believe that.

I hate you for taking me to such vulnerable places, shedding light on areas in my heart and soul that no one has ever seen.  Yet, I don’t hate you but I should and I wish I did. It would be easier.  I have to assume some responsibility and I will later. But right now I need to unleash all irrational thoughts and emotions before they consume me.

Why?  I don’t understand at all.  I also don’t understand why I care.  You lied to me sooo many times and I forgave you every time.  I trusted you when your actions were far from trustworthy.  I know deep in my soul that we wouldn’t have been good for each other…what we had was the best it was going to get.  It we had the chance to have a normal relationship, I know it wouldn’t have worked out.  So why do I care that you left, why do I need to hear your voice, why do I need to know what is going, why why why…..  most importantly why do I even care when you obviously don’t.

I keep hoping that one day I’ll check my email or our phone and there will be a message from you.  That hope was strong at first but now a month has gone by and although I’m still hoping, I also know there is a slim to none chance there will be a message when I check.  I’m trying no contact but it’s soo hard.

I need you out of my head and heart so I can move forward.  Why do I feel like I need some kind of validation from you, why is your rejection having such a strong impact on me?    I should be so damn mad at you…why can’t I just be pissed off at you to the point that I never want to hear from you again.  Geez….can’t I just be freaking mad, really mad.  Mad enough to say “fuck you and good bye”.  This sucks!  And if I was really honest…I know that what has occurred is for the best.  I should probably thank you but I’m not ready to go there yet.

….and it’s all my fault.  It’s my fault I’m in this situation.  A situation I had no right to become involved in.  This is my punishment for making a very bad choice….

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6 thoughts on “Get out of my head and heart…NOW!

  1. Boy, I understand this sentiment all too well. For about 3 weeks I didn’t speak to my guy. It was the hardest 3 weeks of no contact. The majority of my blog posts were written during that heartwrenching time. My guy and I were deep in conversation and then he never responded to my text. I never sent a text asking why…I left it in his court. He never did respond until 3 weeks later when I reached out to him when I hit the lowest of lows. During that time I felt so abandoned and rejected. It was incredibly difficult to understand how a man who could say he loved me with his whole heart could just give up and not fight for me. We want them to fight like hell for us, and when they don’t it is crushing. Even now, it is incredibly difficult to be in this place. I struggle daily and my self esteem has taken a real hit.
    You have shared a little bit about what is going on with me. The fact that he is now single and you aren’t is a big game changer. Not only do you no longer share a mutual situation, but he is now available to take your relationship to the next level, and you aren’t. In my experience, the fact that my guy does nothing to change his relationship to pave the way for he and I to be together is very painful and feels like rejection daily…that I am not worth it, or good enough. Perhaps, your guy feels like that too. It is a common emotion and thought process for the single AP. I read once that when a married woman is having an affair with a single man, the affair typically doesn’t last as long, because single men aren’t as patient.
    I thought I would share that to maybe give you some insight into what he might be feeling or thinking. Maybe it isn’t that he doesn’t care, but maybe being with you when he is available and you aren’t hurts too much. I know it has been that way for me. It hurts to be with him and hurts to be without him. Men tend to deal with hurt differently than women. The emotions on this side of things are such a mix. I hope you find some closure soon. I would bet money he is hurting as well. I know it is painful for both of you. It sucks, I know, and it is hard to know what to do when your heart is hurting.
    hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • OMG….I’ve been looking at this all wrong and you’ve opened my eyes. I’ve been incredibly selfish. My affair lasted 6 years. There were times when we were living in different states so that contributed to the length of time, But here I am feeling hurt and angry for him leaving me, when in a way I was doing that every day I stayed with my husband..omg. I even had a child with my husband during those 6 years. While my OM never really said anything or mentioned how hurt he may have been, I’m sure he was. I would have been, I hate the way he left without even saying goodbye. I hate this feeling of rejection. But I’m the one who owns him an apology.
      I’m so so sorry that you are in the situation that my OM was in. I’m sorry that our lack of ability to leave our spouse was incredibly selfish and the one we cared about is the one we hurt the most.
      Thank you so much for your sharing your story and your feelings. I hope you find peace as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wasn’t implying that you are selfish. I didn’t mean that at all. What I was trying to say that when both of you are married it is completely different when one is single. Without speaking for him, I believe his perspective of the affair changed once he was single.
    For me, spending time with my guy and bonding with him, and then he leaves to go home to his wife is incredible difficult. To know that I am not his priority, that this is probably all it will ever be is tough. To know I can’t meet his children and be in a real relationship…then there is the jealousy I feel and having to share the person I love when I don’t want to. Not being able to have him present for the important events or the mundane things…it is painful. Eventually, it wears on you and resentment and anger start to build. It’s a cycle of incredible highs and incredible lows.
    For the single AP we have no say in progressing the relationship. We have two choices accept living in the shadows or leave. Both come with their own list of hardships.
    I know that you also have a hardship. Feeling pulled in two directions, trying to decide what is the right thing to do, feelings of guilt, paralyzed in making a decision…
    Both situations are hard. I understand that. I have watched my MM struggle with what to do, and as of today he hasn’t been able to make that leap to be with me. Yet, he’s scared to be without me.
    It is incredibly difficult for all, and I wasn’t trying to judge or shame you…I just thought seeing it through a different perspective might help bring you some peace. I hope it did. I certainly don’t want to cause you anymore pain than you are already experiencing.
    Six years is a long time. I suspect at some point he will reach out to you. More than likely he is taking some time to see what he wants to do. During my time of no contact with my MM I prayed he would fight for me and make a grand gesture to show me how important I was, and to show me we were making progress towards a future together. He never did, but that is what was foremost on my mind during that time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I didn’t take it was shaming or judging at all. It was your different perspective that is making me looking at this whole situation differently….from a place of feeling apologetic vs a place of blaming him. And may be just what I needed to hear to move closer to acceptance While I still hate the way he left me with no explanation or goodbye, it is me who should apologize to him for dragging him along for 6 years.

      It is such a difficult road for all involved. I hope your MM finds the courage to be with you 100% of the time. To give you the relationship, you deserve.

      Like

      • I understand that. During the 3 weeks of no contact, he was the one the ended our conversation by not replying. I spent those weeks going over that last conversation. I don’t know if you can find comfort in this thought, but I know you feel like he just completely up and left. Six years is a long time ago and I am without a doubt certain he is thinking about you every day. Men are different though. They compartmentalize so much better.

        I hope you find your peace too. As for my guy, I sincerely doubt he will ever find the courage to leave. He says he lives in a sexless marriage, but he is not miserable at home. His home life is tolerable on most days. He has no motivation to change his circumstances and without that I have little hope. I believe it is going to have be me that finds the courage to leave. Leaving the one man I have ever loved this way is such a scary, scary thought. It paralyzes me with fear. That’s where I am now, I don’t know how much more I can endure with staying, it’s as if there is this dark cloud over us sucking the joy from what was us once. I don’t think my MM would fight for me or us if I did make the choice to walk out..but then again he really can’t give it a good fight unless he has something more to offer me. And that is the relationship I want and deserve…that he and I need if we want a shot a future together.

        I’m glad you reached out to me and shared. I feel as if talking to you gives me a little peep into his head. I hope it has been mutually beneficial for you too. I hope today has been brighter than yesterday!

        Hugs! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I’ve definitely gained a lot from hearing your story and appreciate you sharing it along with your insight. It’s been extremely helpful in forcing me to look at the bigger picture and not just the pain I’m in. “He” was also in pain.

    I understand your concern about your MM. I think I am him. I don’t have a terrible marriage either. It’s just moved into “roomate” status. It’s comfortable. We have young children together. Between the comfort of this situation and the children, I was unable to leave him. However, I was also scared that the relationship I had with my OM would not survive in the real world. I didn’t want to lose what we had, I didn’t want to risk it. In hindsight, that was selfish on my part,

    I carried a lot of guilt for what I was doing to “him”….at times hated myself. I loved him. cared deeply for him. He made me feel alive. I shared things with him that I never shared with my husband. My OM knew me inside and out better than anyone. We had such a deep connection. I’ll never have that with my husband.

    I’m sure you MM cares deeply and loves you. From what you’ve told me and posted about, it sounds like he is torn at times between the 2 lives he leads. Sometimes people become too comfortable in their situations and as bad as this is going to sound…they want the best of both worlds. However, that isn’t without consequence. You and my OM know that all too well.

    My OM made the decision you’ve been contemplating. I wish I could tell you that making that decision will make your MM leave his current situation. I haven’t been able to but not because I don’t love or care from my OM. I do and because I do, I know I need to let him go so he can find someone that can give him the life I wanted to but couldn’t. He deserves to be happy, you deserve to be happy.

    Here’s to brighter days for both of us.
    ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

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