It’s been a challenging night. I can’t seem to get you out of my head. So it’s going on here. Hopefully, dumping all my screwed up thoughts and emotions will help get you out of my head and heart.
It’s been a month since I’ve heard from you, a month since you “disappeared”..promising to call in a couple days once you get settled. You told me you needed me to trust you, that you weren’t pushing me away, that you were always with me.
Yet…there has been no response to the few messages that I sent you. I know you found someone else. I know our relationship wasn’t ideal. My side of our relationship was the problem. But I also thought we would be in each other’s lives in some way. I don’t understand how you could just disappear.
Did you ever really care? I don’t want to believe that you don’t or didn’t care. But your actions always did speaking louder and more truthful than your words. I just wish you would talk to me….just tell what is going on. I’ve accepted that we are over. However, I can’t accept that it was so easy for you to walk away when you said all those things to me. Told me my heart didn’t need protecting, that it was safe with you. What a fucking fool I was to believe that.
I hate you for taking me to such vulnerable places, shedding light on areas in my heart and soul that no one has ever seen. Yet, I don’t hate you but I should and I wish I did. It would be easier. I have to assume some responsibility and I will later. But right now I need to unleash all irrational thoughts and emotions before they consume me.
Why? I don’t understand at all. I also don’t understand why I care. You lied to me sooo many times and I forgave you every time. I trusted you when your actions were far from trustworthy. I know deep in my soul that we wouldn’t have been good for each other…what we had was the best it was going to get. It we had the chance to have a normal relationship, I know it wouldn’t have worked out. So why do I care that you left, why do I need to hear your voice, why do I need to know what is going, why why why….. most importantly why do I even care when you obviously don’t.
I keep hoping that one day I’ll check my email or our phone and there will be a message from you. That hope was strong at first but now a month has gone by and although I’m still hoping, I also know there is a slim to none chance there will be a message when I check. I’m trying no contact but it’s soo hard.
I need you out of my head and heart so I can move forward. Why do I feel like I need some kind of validation from you, why is your rejection having such a strong impact on me? I should be so damn mad at you…why can’t I just be pissed off at you to the point that I never want to hear from you again. Geez….can’t I just be freaking mad, really mad. Mad enough to say “fuck you and good bye”. This sucks! And if I was really honest…I know that what has occurred is for the best. I should probably thank you but I’m not ready to go there yet.
….and it’s all my fault. It’s my fault I’m in this situation. A situation I had no right to become involved in. This is my punishment for making a very bad choice….