The nights are the hardest

While my previous post was about living in the present, it’s nighttime and the hardest part of the day for me.  All is quiet in my house and my mind wanders, my heart aches and my fingers scour the internet trying to catch a glimpse of you somewhere anywhere.

Fortunately or unfortunately, you avoid social media. However, many of your family members didn’t….so I stalk their social media pages hoping to find any piece of information about you.  Nothing.

I do have one other option….your previous work.  I’ve already called once some time ago and they confirmed you moved away and no longer work there.  I’ve been playing a script over and over in my mind tonight as I contemplate calling again.  Not sure why I hesitate to call.  I know they were close to you and if I get the right girl on the phone she will tell me everything.  Here is what I think she would tell me…  You moved with your now wife…yes I’m assuming you got married..assume the worst I guess.  Here is what I hope she would tell me…  You move by yourself.  You and your girlfriend broke up right before you left.

Why am I even wasting time on this?!?!  I’ve spent the last hour and a half contemplating this call. So much for living in the present.   If I was living in the present right now, I would doing all the things that need to get done instead of wasting time on what I know is a dead end street.  Why or more importantly… when will I stop this madness.

I’ve been trying to dig deep and figure out why I even care.  Why..what is it that I want or need?
Do I want you to come back to me so we could live happily ever after? No because I know that wouldn’t happen and I was never planning on destroying my family.

I think it really boils down to needing closure.  I need you to tell me what happened…even if you did get married.  Just be fucking honest with me.  You were really good at telling me what YOU thought I wanted to hear.  When all I ever wanted was the truth.  I was worthy of the truth and I could handle that.  I can handle it now….just talk to me, tell me what is going on, what happened…the truth.

I really think that if I had that, that sense of closure I could move on…in peace.  That’s it…that’s what I need.  Closure from you.

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