Looks like I’m in for another restless night where my mind doesn’t want to turn off. Thoughts climbing on top of thoughts in there. All trying to be heard. So here I am..maybe if some of those thoughts have an outlet the remaining ones will settle down…..or at least give the wine a chance to kick in.
I’m actually feeling a bit of defeat tonight which is a good thing. I’ve been fighting against and for things I have absolutely no control over…none whatsoever. I can’t control another person’s actions or decisions. It’s exhausting thinking you can. No amount of worrying or anaylyzing is going to change the outcome. I’m not going to have any better understanding because I spent hours consumed by it.
“His” actions are based on his decisions and not based on something I did or didn’t do. “He” obviously made a decision for himself. He did what he felt he needed to do for whatever reason. I can’t change that. I can’t control it.
There is a reason for everything and deep in my soul I know there is a good reason I’m going through this rough time. I have a lot of self discovery work to do. This painful event is forcing me to take a really hard look at my life and the choices I have made. And come face to face with some choices I need to make.
My relationship with “him” distracted me from dealing with many issues…including ones in my marriage which now seem worse than I remember them. Everything will eventually work out the way it’s suppose to….good or bad.
For tonight anyways, I’m going to enjoy the peace that comes from surrendering, from not trying to control what can’t be controlled. It is what it is and will be what it will be.