The Sleeping Giant Has Insomnia

While I’m finding out that I can live without “him”, I am struggling to live without the type of relationship we had.
We were involved in a D/s relationship.  “He” woke the sleeping submissive giant within me and now that giant has insomnia.  Despite my best efforts, I have not been able to send that submissive giant back into hibernation.

It totally consumes my thoughts….guess that’s better than “him” consuming my thoughts.  My husband is not able to provide the level of Domination that I need, that I crave.  My life feels very unbalanced at the moment.  The strong and in control side that is required in my professional life (along with my home life) is taking over.  The submissive side of me is SCREAMING for attention.  It needs an outlet.  It needs to be recognized, shared, acknowledged, accepted, nurtured.

While my affair is over and I don’t want him back in my life, it appears he left me with a parting gift….my submissive awakening.  I don’t know whether to thank him for it or curse him for it.

Just writing this is making me very anxious, the war raging inside me.  The need is soooo overwhelming so much so I could easily border on subfrenzy if I wasn’t careful.  I have switched one challenge (getting over him) for another challenge (fighting my submissive needs).  None of this fits into my nice quiet calm vanilla life.  Ug!!!!!!

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I used to …. But now I

I used to cry when I looked at his picture.
But now I look at it and think “what an asshole”.

I used to dwell on all the wasted years spent with “him”.
But now I don’t even think about it.  It’s in the past…can’t change it.

I used to check my email several times an hour to see if maybe, just maybe he sent me a message.
But now, I don’t check it at all.

I used to spend HOURS thinking of the perfect message to send him
But now, I’ve got A LOT of extra time lol

I used to spend HOURS trying to see if I could find out information on him.
But now, I have even more extra time.

I used to constantly wonder “why”.
But now, I’ve accepted that I may never know why.

I used to let all the negative emotions consume me.
But now, I stopped giving them power over me.

I use to crave closure.
But now, I’ve created my own closure.  It’s the only one I’m getting.

I used to cry myself to sleep.
But now I go to sleep with dry eyes and a calm heart.

I used to be sad, unhappy, depressed.
But now, I’m getting better.

Ready For No Contact

The idea of “No Contact” is hard.  It was suggested that I initiate that in the very beginning of the end. However, I wasn’t ready.  I think there is a process that goes along with no contact. That process is different based on the situation and the person.  For me, I needed to make sure I tried enough times to know that I didn’t give up prematurely..doing so would have left even more unanswered questions.  I now feel confident that I won’t wonder “what if I tried one more time”.  I did try, I got my answer which was no answer. I didn’t give up. I let go.   I’m ready for no contact. 

There was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from “him” again….now I’m afraid I will.

Closing The Book Instead Of Turning The Page

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There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book.  I’ve been flipping pages awhile and it’s been a sad one-sided story.  It is now time to close that book.

Just over a week ago, I sent “him” my final farewell email.  It’s was about the 10th farewell email I’ve written over that last couple of months but the only one sent.  In hindsight, I’m very glad I didn’t send the other farewell emails.  They were written at times when raw emotions were in control of the keyboard.  This last  one was written from a place of acceptance. 

I have no idea if “he” will ever read it and I honestly don’t care.  I think I wrote that letter more for me as a way of moving on, letting go.   I spoke my peace from a calm, level-headed state of mind and sent it off.  Just like the balloon in the quote above. There was no hatred, hurt or manipulation in the words just pure acceptance.   I realized that I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I continue to react to it.  I finally reached a point where I no longer want to react to it.  It was necessary for me to create my own closure.  I know I will never get it from “him”.

I feel a weight has been lifted, the fog is clearing away. I feel a sense of freedom.  A smile is making a reappearance to my face.  I will embrace the laugh lines it creates. While I’m not fond of any facial line (lol)  laugh lines tell a much better story than frown lines.

Media Folder of Pain, Hurt and Rejection

I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post.  I’m happy to report that I’m in a GREAT place.  I was getting ready to create a post about it and then started flipping through my media folder. WOW!  So many quotes dripping with hurt, pain, rejection.  It’s reminder of where I was and where I don’t want to be again.  While the quotes don’t hold the same control over me as they did a once did , I’m going to post some of them…another way to let go and move on.

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