Sitting on the outside looking in

Hard to believe it’s been about 6 weeks since my last post.  While I’ve maintained no contact with my x-AP, I’ve also tried to fill the gaping hole he left in less than desirable ways leaving me feeling just as empty.  I don’t know why I keep searching outside of my own home/marriage/family…for what I’m not even sure.   Perhaps it’s all really just an escape from my life.  A life that I don’t feel like I fit into.  I often sit on the outside of myself watching the physical self go through the motions of being a wife, mother, professional….yet none of it feels quite right.  Yet, it’s exactly the life I yearned for years ago.  Perhaps it’s the feeling of failure as a mother and wife that turns my head away in search of something else… Mr. Escape from Reality.   When did life become so complicated.