My strength gave way to my “how dare you” feeling. I finally responded to my x-ap’s email telling him to stop fucking with me. To which he replied, that he wasn’t fucking with me that would be last thing in the world that he would want to do. He’s sorry for hurting me, causing me to hurt and be bitter with him. That I know him better than anyone and to “please please” have patience with him….etc etc etc. He called the next day and I answered.
His first words….”I remember everything” and proceeds to list some of our most memorable times. That I never left his mind or heart. He wanted to know if I really thought he was fucking with me. To which I replied, yes…what else did I have to go on, you left me 5 1/2 months ago without a second look back, ignored all of my attempts to contact you. When I asked what happened…he couldn’t give me an answer (foreverstuckinthemud….if you are reading this, does it sound familiar?). I told him before he answers to make sure it’s the truth. No matter how bad the truth may sound, it’s never as bad as the lies. And if he was planning to lie to me, we might as well end the call right now because I no longer have the time or patience for bullshit.
Apparently, he’s trying to figure it out himself. He was talking but wasn’t really giving me any explanation. He was going on about how he was deceiving himself. He was very sorry that he hurt me. He never meant to do that. He “tried” to call several times (my birthday for one) but just couldn’t do it. He doesn’t know why. Shockingly, he asked if I continue to wear our special bracelet or continued with another “special” ritual. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I told him no, why would I…as far I knew, you moved on, why would I continue our special rituals. In order to heal, I had to move on and accept what happened. He replied that… thinking I was stilling doing those things got him through the last couple of monts. WTF?!?! Seriously.
Here is the kicker…..he told me he loved me. He said it once and I talked right over top of him. So he said it again. I didn’t even acknowledge it. Really? How do you want me to respond to that.
What I do know and really already assumed, is that he moved to FL with a woman he started seeing about 2 months before he disappeared. Apparently, the move was a sudden decision and both were is a position to just pick up and go play house in FL. He hasn’t been able to find a job since moving down there. I have no idea if she is working. He sounded defeated and miserable. I asked if he is still with this woman and he is and they have their ups and downs. He doesn’t know where it’s going or if it’s going anywhere. He didn’t know a lot about anything except how he feels about me. Unfortunately his actions and his words don’t match up at all.
As we ended the call, he asked me to do him a favor. To which I immediately replied “yes” (old habits…) and then quickly retracted it. He wanted me to wear the special bracelet the next day…… What?!? I told him that I couldn’t do that.
My mind is still spinning from all of this. I actually feel sorry for him. Sorry his life sucks right now. Do I hate him? No, I don’t hate him. There are a lot of things I hate about us, about his actions. I don’t trust him and don’t trust him with the deepest parts of my soul anymore and told him that. What he did cut deep and was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. I will not go through that ever again with him. I won’t allow that to happen. He knows that.
It was a liberating telling him all of this and much more. I felt a great deal of strength and that feels good. Surprisingly, I’m in a good place with all of this. Do I miss him, I’d be lying if I said no. We have a lot of history and he does know things about me that no one else does. I can’t change that. But….I know what he is capable of doing and I won’t forget that.