After 5 1/2 months, we speak…

My strength gave way to my “how dare you” feeling.  I finally responded to my x-ap’s email telling him to stop fucking with me.  To which he replied, that he wasn’t fucking with me that would be last thing in the world that he would want to do.  He’s sorry for hurting me, causing me to hurt and be bitter with him.  That I know him better than anyone and to “please please” have patience with him….etc etc etc.  He called the next day and I answered.

His first words….”I remember everything” and proceeds to list some of our most memorable times. That I never left his mind or heart.   He wanted to know if I really thought he was fucking with me.  To which I replied, yes…what else did I have to go on, you left me 5 1/2 months ago without a second look back, ignored all of my attempts to contact you.  When I asked what happened…he couldn’t give me an answer (foreverstuckinthemud….if you are reading this, does it sound familiar?).  I told him before he answers to make sure it’s the truth.  No matter how bad the truth may sound, it’s never as bad as the lies.  And if he was planning to lie to me, we might as well end the call right now because I no longer have the time or patience for bullshit. 

Apparently, he’s trying to figure it out himself.  He was talking but wasn’t really giving me any explanation.  He was going on about how he was deceiving himself.  He was very sorry that he hurt me.  He never meant to do that. He “tried” to call several times (my birthday for one) but just couldn’t do it.  He doesn’t know why.  Shockingly, he asked if I continue to wear our special bracelet or continued with another “special” ritual.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I told him no, why would I…as far I knew, you moved on, why would I continue our special rituals.  In order to heal, I had to move on and accept what happened.  He replied that… thinking I was stilling doing those things got him through the last couple of monts.  WTF?!?!  Seriously.

Here is the kicker…..he told me he loved me.  He said it once and I talked right over top of him.  So he said it again. I didn’t even acknowledge it.  Really?  How do you want me to respond to that. 

What I do know and really already assumed, is that he moved to FL with a woman he started seeing about 2 months before he disappeared.  Apparently, the move was a sudden decision and both were is a position to just pick up and go play house in FL.  He hasn’t been able to find a job since moving down there.  I have no idea if she is working.  He sounded defeated and miserable.  I asked if he is still with this woman and he is and they have their ups and downs.  He doesn’t know where it’s going or if it’s going anywhere.  He didn’t know a lot about anything except how he feels about me.  Unfortunately his actions and his words don’t match up at all. 

As we ended the call, he asked me to do him a favor.  To which I immediately replied “yes” (old habits…) and then quickly retracted it.   He wanted me to wear the special bracelet the next day……  What?!?  I told him that I couldn’t do that. 

My mind is still spinning from all of this.  I actually feel sorry for him.  Sorry his life sucks right now.  Do I hate him? No, I don’t hate him.  There are a lot of things I hate about us, about his actions.  I don’t trust him and don’t trust him with the deepest parts of my soul anymore and told him that.  What he did cut deep and was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.  I will not go through that ever again with him.   I won’t allow that to happen.  He knows that. 

It was a liberating telling him all of this and much more.  I felt a great deal of strength and that feels good.  Surprisingly, I’m in a good place with all of this.  Do I miss him, I’d be lying if I said no.   We have a lot of history and he does know things about me that no one else does.  I can’t change that.  But….I know what he is capable of doing and I won’t forget that.  

 

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Bad Dream…I wish.

My mind is a mess.  My thoughts consume by x-ap.  It was so much better when I went days and days without thinking about him.  One small message has sent my mind spiraling, consumed with new whys.  Why now? Why contact me at all?  Why contact me then disappear again? Why would he do this to me? Wasn’t it cruel enough the first time?  Damn it! 

My strength is weakening.  It’s taking everything I have to not get swallowed up by this one little message.   I find myself checking my phone more often again.  Yet I know in my gut he has set me up again and while he doesn’t know it, I’ve fallen for it again, my heart and mind know.   This sucks so bad.  I was 5 months out and now I feel like I’m back at the 2-3 month mark again. 

And yet I know…that I’m the one in control of how I respond to this.  I own the feelings and actions and that I have the control to dismiss him and not let this impact me.  So easy to say….

This feels like a really bad dream and I want to wake up now.

“I hope you don’t hate me.”

Those words might as well have Vegas neon flashing lights…they stand out the most from the recent message from my x-ap.  Those words are like a punch in the stomach, an insult.

“I hope you don’t hate me.”  Really?!?!

I went back and read through the last messages we exchanged 5 months ago.  I’m glad I still have them.  It’s a reminder of the deep emotional pain I went through.  The unhealthy co-dependency I was living in.  I couldn’t see the forest for the trees at the time….or I didn’t want to.  Denial…it’s as beautiful as it is damaging.

I can’t go back to that place and I won’t.  I feel so much stronger now than I did when I first started this blog…which means it is serving it’s purpose.  I wanted to be able to see how far I’ve come and remind myself that I never want to go back to that hell.  There is a lot of pain in the earlier posts.

He doesn’t deserve me at all.    In the past, I excused his behavior, forgave his lies.  I was weak, vulnerable, emotionally dependent.  By saying ” I hope you don’t hate me”, I feel like he is expecting me to react as I always have…well people change.

His message was so nonchalant.  “I miss you so much.  I hope you don’t hate me”.   There is no remorse or regret or even an apology.  Not that I want or even need one anymore.   I think that’s what gets me the most. He thinks he can just walk right back in.  I don’t think so.

Obviously my mind is in a rambling disconnected mood.  That’s why I find writing theraputic.  The crazy thoughts in my head have a home instead of swirling endless in my mind.  That is dangerous.

I’m sure this won’t be the last post about this as I navigate what is in front of me.  My ultimate goal is to stay grounded, firm, strong and keep no contact in place.

I’m Going To Be Sick

Omg….5 months and not a single word from x-AP.  Just disappeared into thin air…with someone else was my assumption. Guess who just sent me a message saying “Hi Baby. I miss you so much.  I hope you don’t hate me. I’ll call you tomorrow”.   Seriously!?!?!   WTF!!! I had to double and triple check the message to make sure i wasn’t hallucinating.    I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. He has some nerve contact me.  I don’t know whether to cry or scream. Damn him!!!

If You Are In It, Be In It

Time for me to make a choice and I am choosing to be in it. I’m very slowly figuring out that it is really less complicated to “be in it” that half in and half out.

Ethereal Wellness Counseling

images… otherwise get OUT of it.

There’s NO in between. This is especially true of our romantic relationships. If you are in one, BE IN IT and make it work, otherwise get out of it and move on.

Complaining about your relationship will not make it better.

Staying and cheating does not make it better.

Wishing you were with someone else will not make it better.

Trying to change that person will not make it better.

The only thing that will make it better is a genuine commitment to healing by BOTH parties. There are 2 people in the relationship and BOTH have to commit to working on it.

If both parties are NOT willing, there isn’t any hope. Time to leave.

Don’t kid yourself. Don’t hold on and hope things will change. Change ONLY happens when both parties work together. Where is your relationship? Can the other person be…

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If It’s Complicated

I do believe everything happens for a reason and happens when it is suppose to happen. Nothing we can do will change that. It is better to accept it rather than fight against it.

Ethereal Wellness Counseling

images… it isn’t meant to be happening right now.

It’s as simple as that.

Everything happens in its own time here on planet Earth. Just because you want something to come together now, doesn’t mean it will.

Your pushing for it to come together before its time only creates obstacles and frustration. If it was meant to be in your life right now, it would be working out. The fact that it isn’t working out for you as quickly as you would like it too is your indication that it is not yet ready to be in your life.

All the forceful pushing and prodding for it to manifest will not manifest it any quicker. In fact, it will only create problems for you. The universe is your own built-in buffer system. It keeps what is not ready for you at bay until it is at a place where you…

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