Those words might as well have Vegas neon flashing lights…they stand out the most from the recent message from my x-ap. Those words are like a punch in the stomach, an insult.
“I hope you don’t hate me.” Really?!?!
I went back and read through the last messages we exchanged 5 months ago. I’m glad I still have them. It’s a reminder of the deep emotional pain I went through. The unhealthy co-dependency I was living in. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees at the time….or I didn’t want to. Denial…it’s as beautiful as it is damaging.
I can’t go back to that place and I won’t. I feel so much stronger now than I did when I first started this blog…which means it is serving it’s purpose. I wanted to be able to see how far I’ve come and remind myself that I never want to go back to that hell. There is a lot of pain in the earlier posts.
He doesn’t deserve me at all. In the past, I excused his behavior, forgave his lies. I was weak, vulnerable, emotionally dependent. By saying ” I hope you don’t hate me”, I feel like he is expecting me to react as I always have…well people change.
His message was so nonchalant. “I miss you so much. I hope you don’t hate me”. There is no remorse or regret or even an apology. Not that I want or even need one anymore. I think that’s what gets me the most. He thinks he can just walk right back in. I don’t think so.
Obviously my mind is in a rambling disconnected mood. That’s why I find writing theraputic. The crazy thoughts in my head have a home instead of swirling endless in my mind. That is dangerous.
I’m sure this won’t be the last post about this as I navigate what is in front of me. My ultimate goal is to stay grounded, firm, strong and keep no contact in place.