“I hope you don’t hate me.”

Those words might as well have Vegas neon flashing lights…they stand out the most from the recent message from my x-ap.  Those words are like a punch in the stomach, an insult.

“I hope you don’t hate me.”  Really?!?!

I went back and read through the last messages we exchanged 5 months ago.  I’m glad I still have them.  It’s a reminder of the deep emotional pain I went through.  The unhealthy co-dependency I was living in.  I couldn’t see the forest for the trees at the time….or I didn’t want to.  Denial…it’s as beautiful as it is damaging.

I can’t go back to that place and I won’t.  I feel so much stronger now than I did when I first started this blog…which means it is serving it’s purpose.  I wanted to be able to see how far I’ve come and remind myself that I never want to go back to that hell.  There is a lot of pain in the earlier posts.

He doesn’t deserve me at all.    In the past, I excused his behavior, forgave his lies.  I was weak, vulnerable, emotionally dependent.  By saying ” I hope you don’t hate me”, I feel like he is expecting me to react as I always have…well people change.

His message was so nonchalant.  “I miss you so much.  I hope you don’t hate me”.   There is no remorse or regret or even an apology.  Not that I want or even need one anymore.   I think that’s what gets me the most. He thinks he can just walk right back in.  I don’t think so.

Obviously my mind is in a rambling disconnected mood.  That’s why I find writing theraputic.  The crazy thoughts in my head have a home instead of swirling endless in my mind.  That is dangerous.

I’m sure this won’t be the last post about this as I navigate what is in front of me.  My ultimate goal is to stay grounded, firm, strong and keep no contact in place.


6 thoughts on ““I hope you don’t hate me.”

  1. recoveringwomanofadultery says:

    He seems to be making the ‘no contact’ rule easy for you to follow. What a jerk. Erg. Sorry he is trying to manipulate you like that. Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. foreverstuckinthemud says:

    I commented on your blog a few months back as I was dealing with a very similar situation. I think we have the same exMM as mine also reappeared in a nonchalant way after tossing me aside with no warning. Mine reached out around thanksgiving and refused to give me any reason as to why he just disappeared in July. “That’s just how I deal with things” is all I got.. What?!? I hope you are smarter than I am as I allowed a conversation and as you just read was left more confused and hurt. These men are selfish and I have now gone NC on my own choosing. I wish you all the best as I know the whole situation is awful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think we were seeing the same man…Disappears in July and reappears months later weeks apart. I’m so sorry he had such a crappy excuse for disappearing! Part of me wants to hear what my xap has to say but I don’t want to pay the price it may cost me. It won’t be worth it. I congratulate you for going no contact. Stay strong and thank you.


  3. sassygirl40 says:

    He doesn’t deserve you and he doesn’t deserve forgiveness after what he put you through. He deserves to remain in the past, continue to be only a memory. I am so proud of you for sticking to no contact. Contact will only lead to him giving excuses and then he will expect you to just buy it and forgive him. I am glad you are not allowing him to lure you back in. So proud of you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you. I’m really really trying to stay strong. I keep telling myself what an ass he is for what he did and not let any other thoughts change that.


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