After 5 1/2 months, we speak…

My strength gave way to my “how dare you” feeling.  I finally responded to my x-ap’s email telling him to stop fucking with me.  To which he replied, that he wasn’t fucking with me that would be last thing in the world that he would want to do.  He’s sorry for hurting me, causing me to hurt and be bitter with him.  That I know him better than anyone and to “please please” have patience with him….etc etc etc.  He called the next day and I answered.

His first words….”I remember everything” and proceeds to list some of our most memorable times. That I never left his mind or heart.   He wanted to know if I really thought he was fucking with me.  To which I replied, yes…what else did I have to go on, you left me 5 1/2 months ago without a second look back, ignored all of my attempts to contact you.  When I asked what happened…he couldn’t give me an answer (foreverstuckinthemud….if you are reading this, does it sound familiar?).  I told him before he answers to make sure it’s the truth.  No matter how bad the truth may sound, it’s never as bad as the lies.  And if he was planning to lie to me, we might as well end the call right now because I no longer have the time or patience for bullshit. 

Apparently, he’s trying to figure it out himself.  He was talking but wasn’t really giving me any explanation.  He was going on about how he was deceiving himself.  He was very sorry that he hurt me.  He never meant to do that. He “tried” to call several times (my birthday for one) but just couldn’t do it.  He doesn’t know why.  Shockingly, he asked if I continue to wear our special bracelet or continued with another “special” ritual.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I told him no, why would I…as far I knew, you moved on, why would I continue our special rituals.  In order to heal, I had to move on and accept what happened.  He replied that… thinking I was stilling doing those things got him through the last couple of monts.  WTF?!?!  Seriously.

Here is the kicker…..he told me he loved me.  He said it once and I talked right over top of him.  So he said it again. I didn’t even acknowledge it.  Really?  How do you want me to respond to that. 

What I do know and really already assumed, is that he moved to FL with a woman he started seeing about 2 months before he disappeared.  Apparently, the move was a sudden decision and both were is a position to just pick up and go play house in FL.  He hasn’t been able to find a job since moving down there.  I have no idea if she is working.  He sounded defeated and miserable.  I asked if he is still with this woman and he is and they have their ups and downs.  He doesn’t know where it’s going or if it’s going anywhere.  He didn’t know a lot about anything except how he feels about me.  Unfortunately his actions and his words don’t match up at all. 

As we ended the call, he asked me to do him a favor.  To which I immediately replied “yes” (old habits…) and then quickly retracted it.   He wanted me to wear the special bracelet the next day……  What?!?  I told him that I couldn’t do that. 

My mind is still spinning from all of this.  I actually feel sorry for him.  Sorry his life sucks right now.  Do I hate him? No, I don’t hate him.  There are a lot of things I hate about us, about his actions.  I don’t trust him and don’t trust him with the deepest parts of my soul anymore and told him that.  What he did cut deep and was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.  I will not go through that ever again with him.   I won’t allow that to happen.  He knows that. 

It was a liberating telling him all of this and much more.  I felt a great deal of strength and that feels good.  Surprisingly, I’m in a good place with all of this.  Do I miss him, I’d be lying if I said no.   We have a lot of history and he does know things about me that no one else does.  I can’t change that.  But….I know what he is capable of doing and I won’t forget that.  

 

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6 thoughts on “After 5 1/2 months, we speak…

  1. Don’t open that door any further. Turn back now. It only leads to heartache and more pain. You can not trust him. You know this. He can not give you what you truly need. You know that too. And lastly, actions speak louder than words. He is only reaching out to you because his life is difficult right now. He said it himself. You will easily become the ego stroke he needs to deflect himself thinking about his life problems, lack of job etc. Keep your head looking forwards into a new future and please leave him in your past. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are exactly right…on all accounts. Actions definitely speak louder than words and his actions the last 2 weeks are screaming at me. He was only reaching out to me because he life was difficult. I’m trying to keep looking forward and trying to stay strong. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

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  2. foreverstuckinthemud says:

    I must admit reading this gave me a bit of relief as I realized your ex was single when you were together and now lives in FL, as I was honestly beginning to think ours were one in the same. Crazy I know but the similarities are remarkable. Our guys I think would be best friends, well until they disappeared on each other (just trying to lighten the mood).

    Your words “What he did cut deep and was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. I will not go through that ever again with him. I won’t allow that to happen” could be pulled directly from my head and heart. I know that pain you are referring to, the pain of one minute having your best friend there and the next gone; no reason, no closure. I think a huge part of frustration for me is the inability to give a reason, you got “figuring myself out” and I got “that’s how I handle things”, guess what both are not answers, just more grey noise. We are left hurting and wondering, is that fair? I think you are like me and would never do such a thing like that to another person, which I believe is why it hurts so much worse.

    I find it odd that your ex sounded a bit surprised that you no longer did things that reminded yourself of him. It is like these guys do not even comprehend the mark they leave when there or the hole left when they disappear. To me the surprise is a sign of selfishness, you had to move on, he left you no choice.

    You will have a lot to process after this interaction and I can tell you this, he will reach out again. Mine is now about every 3-4 days, and each time I delete the text I still die a little inside.

    Keep your head up…and know that others know your pain, confusion and that undying pull to reach out.

    Liked by 2 people

    • lol..thanks for the laugh….maybe they could just disappear with each other and play their games amongst themselves. They are one in the same and apparently get their answers from the same playbook.

      He did has reached out to me again and now seems to have disappeared again. I don’t know what he wants but maybe this is a good thing. Pulling stunts like this is wearing me down and pushing me in the opposite direction. My scale of “care” vs “don’t give a damn” is beginning to tip to the “don’t give a damn side”…at least for now. Something tells me he will pop up again.

      I’m so sorry you are going through the same thing because I know it sucks but at the same time it helps knowing we aren’t alone….its not like I can tell this to anyone in my “real life”. Thank you.

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      • foreverstuckinthemud says:

        You are not alone at all and I completely get the “it’s nice to have a friend in the mud with me” as I too can’t tell anyone, which is why your blog is a daily check of mine. I had words with mine over the holidays, they weren’t nice words either as I was getting tired of the pop ins but I still got a Happy New Year??? Wth.

        They are selfish people, so why do we love them? They are emotional leaches, they drain us and we just cover the hole left.

        Crap part is I can write that and read it but for the life of me I can’t get it to sink into my head.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Why do we love them? That’s a very good question. They are selfish and an emotional drain. I’ve given it so much thought and still don’t have an answer. We know what we should do, it’s the execution that can be challenging. Such a mind game. The pop-ins are just more mind games and then to wish you a Happy New Year…seriously.

    I posted a quote the other day that really hit home for me. About constantly forgiving….they know and become dependent on our forgiveness. They ignore any set standard because they know another chance will be given. Seems obvious but it was a slap in the face for me. There was little remorse from my guy…probably because he has learned through my own actions that he doesn’t need to give a big apology.

    Hopefully with time we will stop covering the holes, be strong for ourselves because we deserve better. I do feel stronger now than I did months ago so I am hopeful…it’s just a long process.

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