Well my x-ap popped up again a week or 2 ago. Reminds me of the game “Whack-a-mole”…apparently I’m still not very good at that game. But…I also had an epiphany.
I had certain expectations of my x-ap and because they weren’t being met, I was getting myself spun up emotionally. Because he wanted me to start wearing the special bracelet and resume “special Wednesdays”, I had an expectation that he should be reaching out to me more, trying to make up for what he did, make more of an effort. He knows those things have an extremely strong emotional attachment to me and so I expected more from him. And when he did not meet those expectations, my defenses went into high gear. The pain he caused me is still fresh and I immediately jumped to “he’s doing it again”. I had several emails drafted to him…most had the phrase “I’m done with you fucking with me”. Ah…. but there in lies the epiphany….I was giving him too much control over my emotions.
I realize now that because of my own expectations, I was making myself feel like I was being fucked with. I was falling back into old habits. And, yes deep down inside, a part of me still craves the attention from him, the connection we shared. I was creating my own hell all over again. This is all so twisted and messed up. Why was I falling right back into the hell of emotional dependency? It sucks to be there! And…this was all my own doing!!
So…I reset my expectations to basically we are just friends who are checking in with each other from time to time. Nothing more than that. No romantic expectations, no emotional expectations…just friends. We can’t see each other…live 100’s of miles apart. We are limited to the brief minutes on the phone when he is by himself. Can’t rebuild much in those brief random minutes. Resetting my expectation has made a HUGE difference.
I no longer feel like I’m being fucked with if I don’t hear from him for a couple of days. The irony is …. he hasn’t done anything different. I just changed the lens I was looking through.