Disappearing Act 2

It appears my x-ap has disappeared again.  I want to be furious with him and I am in some respect  but if I really think about it, it’s me I’m mad at, disappointed with, embarrassed by.  After all, I allowed him access to me.  I allowed him to wedge into the crack in my heart. I let him back into my head.  I gave him a free pass…again.  I wanted to believe what he was saying even though many of his comments were confusing, selfish and frustrating. 

And why?  For what?  What was I trying to get out of this communication?  What need am I trying to meet with this toxic dysfunctional relationship?  Is it lack of self-worth or esteem? Co-dependency?  What else could it be…why else would someone not stand up for themselves and walk away from that which is obviously harmful to them? What am I afraid of?   I don’t even know.  I keep asking myself these types of questions hoping an answer magically appears.  I’ve stared hard at myself in the mirror and asked these questions, looking myself in the eye.   All I get in return is a blank stare wrapped in confusion. 

 

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10 thoughts on “Disappearing Act 2

  1. We all go through moments of trying to answer these questions. But I think it all boils down to one element: control. You allowed him back into your life by not deleting whatever mode of communication you two shared. If it’s an email account, delete it. If it’s a phone number, get a new one. You need to take back control over your own life. By leaving little doors ajar, you are giving him an “in” to your life. Do you really want him popping back up through your life over and over? For what? To prolong your misery? What good will that serve your life, your heart, your desires to be in my committed relationship where you can share ALL of you with another person? These snippets of time, these momentary lapses where he reaches out to you for support is simply his way of coping with his shitty life.

    Take control. I promise you, you will no longer feel like he can do this to you because you hold the cards. The torment stops with you taking full control of the situation, not leaving the control in his hands. If he wanted you in his life, it would have happened by now. The sooner you completely shut him out, the sooner you regain your clarity and peace within yourself. The sooner all of that happens, you will find your own happiness again–whether that is with your significant other or someone else (sorry I don’t know if you are married or not).

    Letting go completely is hard. It’s not a skill we are innately born with. But life is trying to teach you this lesson for a reason. There may be other things later in life that you will garner strength from this experience. To enable you to let go of something else in the future etc. Remember this is for your own happiness, peace of mine, self-respect, joy, love…..the list goes on and on.

    What could be worth more than that?

    You are worth more than this…and your soul know it’s too.

    Now get cracking….shut that door for good. And start living your life again 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. Such very wise words…especially the part about taking control back. I’ve really thought about that and figured out that is one of the my biggest struggles. The control lies with him. Taking the steps to take back that control are necessary. I don’t know why there is a little strand of something holding me back. It’s crazy I know. It’s crazy because I know what I need to do, what I should do. I just don’t know what is holding me back. The affair was always a distraction from my real life, an escape. Maybe I’m reluctant to give up the escape no matter how screwed up it is and it is royally screwed up.
      Your right…,there is a lesson I’m being taught here….whether I realize it now or sometime later in my life.

      Your words are filled with a lot of confidence….I appreciate it. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

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      • No I get it, entirely. I remember feeling exactly the same way, knowing I should end the affair. That I was worth far more than the crumbs I was settling for (and I had a very fairy tale kind of affair–think how a movie would portray it and that’s how fantasy based mine was). So I get the allure. I understand “knowing” all the truths vs. actually putting that into action & just how hard that really is for you.

        I think some people’s bottom lines are higher than others. Some people will hold on longer than others for various reasons. But self-worth is for sure one of them. Work on building your self-worth back up…anything that brings you a sense of accomplishment and achievement back into your mindset. Perhaps in time, you will no longer feel the need to escape your life. And most importantly, will value yourself more than any small “relationship” this man ever gives you.

        Easier said than done. I know 🙂 But the art of letting go takes practice.
        You may very well let go several times, until you finally let go for good.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for the continued support. It’s always helpful to get perspective from someone who has traveled this road AND is farther along on the journey. You hit the nail on the head…I’ll will let go several times before I hit my limit, my bottom line. Thank you

        Liked by 1 person

  2. foreverstuckinthemud says:

    I know for me I place too much of my self worth in others. I feed off of their approval and die from their disapproval. Per my therapist it’s due to childhood. I rarely felt loved so I tried to people please to get it, that went with me into adulthood. I’m working on it, failing at it but trying. I also have an addictive personality so I know that plays into it as well.

    Have you tried therapy? It does help at times.

    Also I agree with above the doors need shut and locked, I need to take that advice as well.

    I’m so sorry he is a jerk. You are in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do the same thing….crave approval and hate disapproval. That impacts many parts of my life. Now that you mention it, that could definitely be playing into this relationship as well.

      I’ve considered therapy many times but have never gone. It’s probably something I should be considering again.

      Thank you for your constant support. One day we will both be on the other side…kicking ourselves for taking so long to get there.

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      • foreverstuckinthemud says:

        I have had a few eye openers recently about this and feel like I’m once again back in July. If we don’t learn from history we are doomed to repeat it. I feel so down and I hate him.

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  3. Oh no….what happened?!?! I can feel your pain through your words and my heart goes out to you. July is not a good place to go back to for either of us. Just the mere mention of it, brings a lumped to my throat. I’m so sorry you are back there. ((hugs))

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    • foreverstuckinthemud says:

      Sorry for the late reply, I had to just stop for a bit. Stop thinking about it all. I learned he was/is on a popular dating app, he causally mentioned it in an email, Im not sure if it was to make me jealous or angry or if it is pure selfishness, but it hurt either way and wasn’t needed. I never replied to that email. I realized that he can not see beyond his own reflection.

      Your post about looking at them with a different set of eyes is true, the last couple weeks I have just been replying one or two words if I reply at all to his reach outs.

      At times I don’t understand and wonder what goes through their minds. Hell I wonder what goes through mind, why do I allow this person so much control over my emotions. Insanity I guess.

      Hope all is well.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No apologies needed. I totally understand the need to just stop. Sounds like he was trying to get a reaction from you….maybe to see where your feelings were. It’s mean and cruel whatever the reason. They are narcissists. They are out for their own gratification when it suits them. Unfortunately, we end up in the wake of their destruction. I’m right there with you. While I feel like I’m getting better (especially since I’m looking through a different lens now) I still have moments of weakness. I just have to remind myself that despite those moments of weakness, I’m no where near the horrible place I was in last July. At that time, I thought that pain would never ever go away. We’ve had some time to heal and will continue to heal. One day, we will no longer be control by these manipulations. Good luck to you! I’ll be thinking of you.

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