It appears my x-ap has disappeared again. I want to be furious with him and I am in some respect but if I really think about it, it’s me I’m mad at, disappointed with, embarrassed by. After all, I allowed him access to me. I allowed him to wedge into the crack in my heart. I let him back into my head. I gave him a free pass…again. I wanted to believe what he was saying even though many of his comments were confusing, selfish and frustrating.
And why? For what? What was I trying to get out of this communication? What need am I trying to meet with this toxic dysfunctional relationship? Is it lack of self-worth or esteem? Co-dependency? What else could it be…why else would someone not stand up for themselves and walk away from that which is obviously harmful to them? What am I afraid of? I don’t even know. I keep asking myself these types of questions hoping an answer magically appears. I’ve stared hard at myself in the mirror and asked these questions, looking myself in the eye. All I get in return is a blank stare wrapped in confusion.