Miss Me Back

This showed up in my email today and I could have cried…

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Greek, Greece…everywhere

As I’m trying to move on and let go, it seems the universe has other plans or is just punishing me…..like it hasn’t already done that enough. 

P. (x-ap) is Greek.  I’ve always wanted to go to Greece and we had plans of doing so one day. We talked in great detail about it. Through the course of our time together, he also taught me how to speak a little Greek. Those were some great memories.  So any time something Greek related comes up, it is a trigger for me.

In the last 24 hours, I’ve seen pictures on Facebook of a friend currently vacationing in Greece, found out that my boss is going to Greece in the Fall and discovered that the new cashier in my office cafeteria is Greek….a young very pretty Greek girl.

 That last one really stings.  I can’t help but look at her and think about the young Greek girl P. is with now.

What the hell….why do all these things pop up when I’m trying to forget, move on. Damn universe…..

It’s Time…

It’s Time…

Not at day goes by that I don’t think…
Of you
Of us
Of what once was
Of what should have been

My heart is filled with…
Hurt
Anger
Confusion
Grief

It is time to…
Let Go
Move on
Forget
Forgive

My heart needs to find…
Peace
Acceptance
Closure
Happiness

Days need to go by where I don’t think…
Of you
Of us
Of what once was
Of what should have been

 It’s Time…

Memories – Double Edge Sword

I’m afraid to relive memories with P. (x-ap) but I’m also afraid to not relive them.  To relive them brings sadness, longing and yes..regrets for what is gone.  But…if I force those memories out of my mind and heart, they begin to fade.

Fading should be a good result considering the circumstance but it causes panic as well.  If the memories have the ability to fade from my mind and heart, that means they have probably already faded from his.

I don’t want to lose the memories.  If I lose the memories, I lose what is left of us.  But if I keep the memories alive, I keep the sadness alive as well.  Double edge sword.

This song….

There is a line in this song that hits my heart hard. 

When is the first time I’ll never see you again…”.  

I wish I knew when we said goodbye in the parking lot, it was the first time I would never see him again. I had no idea there was a train barreling down the track and getting ready to slam into me.

3 Door Down – Goodbyes

There’s so much that I would say if I could see you one last time.
But now I can’t ’cause you’re not here but you’re always on my mind.
When I look up and you’re not there, when I lie awake at night
All these things I ask myself and I don’t know why.


(When it’s the first time)
When is the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
(When it’s the last time)
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
(It’s never easy)
They’re never easy but sometimes, goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

When it’s the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
They’re never easy but sometimes goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

I look ahead but can’t move on, I look back but I can’t stay.
And I keep tryin to be strong, but this pain, it won’t go away.
And I hope this will heal in time ’cause I can’t go on like this,
And right now I would give my life for one last kiss.


(When it’s the first time)
When is the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
(When it’s the last time)
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
(It’s never easy)
They’re never easy but sometimes, goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

You’ll be there on my mind, standing in the sunshine.

(When it’s the first time)
When it’s the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
(When it’s the last time)
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
(It’s never easy)
They’re never easy but sometimes, goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

Passage of Time…

Time has a way of moving on…the days are long and the years are short. The passage of time has offered some healing but the wounds are still open. 

6 years – My other man and I were “together”

2 1/2 years – since I saw him

2 years – since he told me I was always with him as long as he breathed air and then disappeared from my life the next day.

1 1/2 years – since he reappeared via email and told me how much he loved and missed me.

1 year – since he last spoke on the phone together.

6 months – since his last phone call to me….last communication from him.

1 month – since my last attempt to reach out to him. 

If this pattern continues, I fear the next time line entries will read….

5 years – since I’ve heard from him

0 days – since I’ve forgotten him or felt free from the pain in my heart and soul. 

Against All Odds

I’m working late, listening to music and this song came on. I was doing fairly well from an acceptance perspective  (daily battle). The lyrics to this song instantly derailed me because….it’s against all odds that he will ever come back to me.

Against All Odds – Phil Collins 

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cause there’s just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cause I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take

Take a look at me now