That is a quote from one of my blog posts 2 years ago. A few short weeks before that post, I sent my “final” farewell email to my x-ap. 2 years ago! And yet, I find myself in the exact same place today. Once again, I pushed through the pain and hurt of P. disappearing into thin air …again. My last contact was in July and I’m feeling stronger each day.
When allowed to flourish, there is great strength in acceptance. My hands were tired of holding on. I held on as long as I could but eventually I had to let go. We all do at some point….including my x-ap (story for another day). The calluses remain but with time those will eventually soften.
And so as history continues to repeat itself, there was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from P. again. Now I’m afraid I will.
The more steps I move forward the more distance I put between me and my x-ap. Often the journey is 1 step forward 3 steps back, brush myself off, lick my wounds and proceed with another step forward. As the steps between us begin to accumulate, one thing remains….the proverbial “bridge”. It’s a rickety old bridge and not safe to cross at all but there it remains. A final “good-bye” would be the match that torches the bridge. However, I have not been able to burn it down.
I believe my x-ap is also not willing to burn down that bridge. Neither one of us has actually said good-bye even though our paths forward take us further and further away from that bridge. Who knows if we will ever return to that crossing but there is a weird and probably false sense of comfort in knowing its still there even if it is the bridge to no where and no longer.
I hate you
I don’t hate you
I wish I hated you
I hate that I don’t hate you
I hate that you put me in this position
I hate that I put myself in this position
I hate that you left
I hate that I didn’t
I hate the silence
I hate the noise
I hate the shattered pieces
I hate the cuts that bleed
I hate the unknown
I hate the known
I hate the memories
I hate the nightmares
I hate so much hate….
I’ve been rereading parts of my blog…especially from 2 years ago. Around this same time, I was getting to a place of acceptance regarding my x-ap’s disappearance. I sent what I thought was going to be my final email to him. In the weeks that followed, I was in a good place. I was healing and letting go. And then…..BAM! He contacted me, the 5 month silence was broken. Little did I know I was going to have to go through the same grieving process all over again.
That’s where I am now. My last attempt to contact P. was July 22nd…his birthday. I have no idea if he listened to my voicemail or not. I told him that there was only 1 gift I could give him and I knew it was the one thing he wanted the most from me. It would be coming in the days ahead. I intentionally left it a bit cryptic but I was referring to no longer contacting him.
I have finally gotten back to the place I was 2 years ago. Over the past 8 months, I’ve tried to contact him several times via text, email and voicemail with no response. I had to go through that process again so I wouldn’t constantly be wondering “did I try hard enough, what if, what if, what if”.
I’m on the edge of acceptance and the verge of letting go…once again. I have more peaceful moments than anxious, upset, gut wrenching moments. When those less desirable moments try to invade my peace, I quickly try to dissolve them before they consume my heart.
I’m getting there…..
Reminders of the past often appear in my direct line of sight. They freeze me in time. A time that is gone. Direct line of sight is strong, mesmerizing but it is also limiting.
I’m beginning to break the mesmerizing stare and pay attention to the movement in my peripheral vision. That movement is in the distance but it appears to be flapping it’s arms desperately trying to get my attention.
When I glance into the distance, I start to see signs of encouragement and light. These are just a few of the signs that have appeared in my inbox over the last couple of days.
As I turn more into my peripheral vision, in time it will become my new direct line of sight.
Really good article…