Escape Back To Me

Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days.  A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip. 

For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things.  For the past 2 days, I have been so calm.  I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.  

I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot.  I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me.  Life is good.  I have been the person I used to be.   I wish I knew how to be this in my own home.  I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them.  I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.  

The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me.  I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough.  I don’t want to go back to that person.  I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door.  That makes me very sad. 

Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now.  It doesn’t consume me at all.  That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart.  But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life.  This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.

All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another.  I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do.  But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life.   I just don’t know how to do that.  ūüė¶

 

Advertisements

“Why don’t you smile anymore..”

“Why don’t you smile anymore, mommy?

A question my young son asked me this morning.

Because life stole my smile buddy. ¬†I’m not living the life for me. ¬†I’m living the life that has been created around me, ¬†one I don’t I fit in but one I’m trapped in.¬†

I just looked at him smiled and gave him a big hug before he could see the tears fill my eyes.

Like A Moth To A Flame

P. and I have continued to email a couple times a week. ¬†I did hear from him when he was up here for work about 2 months ago. ¬†Unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to see it each. ¬†We were able to have some good phone conversations and he finally told me about his new daughter. ¬†Thanks to social media I’ve known since the time she was born a year and half ago. ¬† Most of that time P. and I were in silent mode. ¬†I suspect it was somewhat due to the new baby. ¬†He said he wanted to wait and tell me when we were together so he could immediately address any concerns I had but didn’t want to wait too long. ¬†I’m glad he finally told me. ¬†I was getting tired of keeping his secret. ¬†He says he didn’t get married but does it really matter or not? ¬†He has a new baby with this woman (the one he disappeared with) so the chances of us being together have become more complicated. ¬†He did seem disappointed that he had gotten himself into this situation….his words.

Aside from that, we had some good long phone conversations and were able to catch up on many things and talk about us. ¬†He is ever the optimist and “knows” we will have our time together. ¬†I’m not quite so optimistic about that. ¬† Although to his credit, ¬†I never believed that we would ever actually speak (met online) or see each other or let the relationship go as far as it did. ¬†But he was always sure that all those things and many other things would happen…and they did.

After he returned home, I didn’t hear from him for almost 3 weeks. ¬†My email folder of unsent emails gained a couple of new entries during that time. ¬†Some were telling him to fuck off, some were passive aggressive, some were factual and unemotional and some were a combination of all the above. ¬† The fear of him just disappearing into thin air came rushed back and choked me. ¬†I found myself consumed with it. ¬†And kicking myself for falling for his bullshit once again.

I sent him email with a song reference “Say something, I’m giving up on you”. ¬†I told him that I gave up on him once before I can do it again. ¬†I also reminded him that if he disappeared again he needed to say good-bye. ¬† 2 days later I heard from him asking me to never give up on him. ¬†His “mother-in-law” for lack of better words was visiting and he couldn’t find the alone time to write. ¬†Now, I could punch a bunch of holes into that story but I didn’t..

Like a moth to flame, I was drawn back in.

I’ve been burned before and it wouldn’t surprise me if I got burned again and I would deserve it. ¬†I don’t know what the draw is to this man. ¬†I can’t explain it. ¬†He does know a very different side of me that no one has seen. ¬†I wonder if the vulnerability and exposure of that other side has created a connection that I can’t seem to fully break. ¬†The freedom I had with him to fully express all of myself without inhibitions is an incredible high, perhaps it’s just the high of that relationship that I’m missing. ¬†I tried to fill the hole with a similar type of relationship when he left the first time but it wasn’t the same. ¬†Fortunately, that “relationship” finally ended. It could have become a very bad situation (that’s for another post coming soon).

So for now, I continue to flirt with the mesmerizing flame of P.

Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

Folder of unsent emails grows

After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January. ¬†At first I was hearing from him quite often. However, ¬†lately his responses have become farther and farther apart. ¬†With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder. ¬†That draft folder is growing. ¬†There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago. ¬† In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain. ¬†They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P. ¬†He deserves every single razor blade cutting word. ¬†Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up. ¬†Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?

When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things. ¬†I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years. ¬† When I voiced my doubt, ¬†he knew just what to say. ¬†I fell for it all over again. ¬†I let my guard down. ¬†Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know. ¬†I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not. ¬†But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.

We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week¬†and he told me not to go to that dark place. ¬†I told him he makes it easy to go there. ¬†More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon. ¬†He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.

Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder. ¬†It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me. ¬† Pathetic.