Getting Tired

This appeared in my inbox today.

A week ago, I told P. I wanted to believe his words but his contradictory actions make it challenging.   I told him I was getting tired. 

 I am getting tired and ready to give up. One can only give so many chances, the bucket eventually empties.


This is the life I once longed for…

I spent 10 long years in a horrible, abusive relationship.  I longed for the life I have now…one of safety and security with a man that is emotionally stable and financially responsible, doesn’t have anger management or rage issues or addiction problems. 

I need to remember that when I’m feeling unsatisfied with my life. Out there, there is someone like I once was longing for this life. I shouldn’t take it for granted. 

Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life!! Enjoy yours… If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely..!  All good will come back to you.
Dr. Ben Carson

Note to self… 

On the 27th of this month, it will be a year since I heard from P.  The first time he disappeared, he magically reappeared 5 months later. That little stunt gave me false hope that he would reappear after this 2nd disappearance.  That has not happened. On the 27th of this month, I will exhange the comma for a period and walk away from the closed door. 

History Repeats

“There was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from “him” again….now I’m afraid I will.” September 2014

That is a quote from one of my blog posts 2 years ago.  A few short weeks before that post, I sent my “final” farewell email to my x-ap.  2 years ago!  And yet, I find myself in the exact same place today.  Once again, I pushed through the pain and hurt of P. disappearing into thin air …again.  My last contact was in July and I’m feeling stronger each day.

When allowed to flourish, there is great strength in acceptance.  My hands were tired of holding on.  I held on as long as I could but eventually I had to let go.  We all do at some point….including my x-ap (story for another day).  The calluses remain but with time those will eventually soften.

And so as history continues to repeat itself, there was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from P. again.  Now I’m afraid I will.