Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

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Folder of unsent emails grows

After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January.  At first I was hearing from him quite often. However,  lately his responses have become farther and farther apart.  With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder.  That draft folder is growing.  There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago.   In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain.  They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P.  He deserves every single razor blade cutting word.  Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up.  Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?

When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things.  I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years.   When I voiced my doubt,  he knew just what to say.  I fell for it all over again.  I let my guard down.  Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know.  I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not.  But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.

We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week and he told me not to go to that dark place.  I told him he makes it easy to go there.  More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon.  He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.

Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder.  It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me.   Pathetic.