The Sleeping Giant Has Insomnia

While I’m finding out that I can live without “him”, I am struggling to live without the type of relationship we had.
We were involved in a D/s relationship.  “He” woke the sleeping submissive giant within me and now that giant has insomnia.  Despite my best efforts, I have not been able to send that submissive giant back into hibernation.

It totally consumes my thoughts….guess that’s better than “him” consuming my thoughts.  My husband is not able to provide the level of Domination that I need, that I crave.  My life feels very unbalanced at the moment.  The strong and in control side that is required in my professional life (along with my home life) is taking over.  The submissive side of me is SCREAMING for attention.  It needs an outlet.  It needs to be recognized, shared, acknowledged, accepted, nurtured.

While my affair is over and I don’t want him back in my life, it appears he left me with a parting gift….my submissive awakening.  I don’t know whether to thank him for it or curse him for it.

Just writing this is making me very anxious, the war raging inside me.  The need is soooo overwhelming so much so I could easily border on subfrenzy if I wasn’t careful.  I have switched one challenge (getting over him) for another challenge (fighting my submissive needs).  None of this fits into my nice quiet calm vanilla life.  Ug!!!!!!

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From Spark, to Fire, to Smolder

“One day, whether you
Are 14, 28 or 65

You will stumble upon
someone who will start
a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,
most awful truth
you will ever come to find —

..is they are not always
with whom we spend our lives”


There was a spark deep inside me, dormant, waiting for someone to ignite it. That spark was a deep dark desire of mine that I kept hidden from the world. I knew it was there just waiting for the right person. 

That person came along and ignited a bonfire within my soul, in my mind and in my body. He woke the sleeping giant and freed it…never to be contained again. The fire burned hotter, higher, effortlessly.   That person owned the torch that fueled my desire and needs. I freely gave that control to him. I trusted him not to burn me with it.   That person was my Master.

I played with the fire and got burned. The scars will forever remain. The needs and desires that he freed and then left behind still smolder in my soul. It is a part of me that cannot be completely extinguished.