“Why don’t you smile anymore..”

“Why don’t you smile anymore, mommy?

A question my young son asked me this morning.

Because life stole my smile buddy.  I’m not living the life for me.  I’m living the life that has been created around me,  one I don’t I fit in but one I’m trapped in. 

I just looked at him smiled and gave him a big hug before he could see the tears fill my eyes.

I used to …. But now I

I used to cry when I looked at his picture.
But now I look at it and think “what an asshole”.

I used to dwell on all the wasted years spent with “him”.
But now I don’t even think about it.  It’s in the past…can’t change it.

I used to check my email several times an hour to see if maybe, just maybe he sent me a message.
But now, I don’t check it at all.

I used to spend HOURS thinking of the perfect message to send him
But now, I’ve got A LOT of extra time lol

I used to spend HOURS trying to see if I could find out information on him.
But now, I have even more extra time.

I used to constantly wonder “why”.
But now, I’ve accepted that I may never know why.

I used to let all the negative emotions consume me.
But now, I stopped giving them power over me.

I use to crave closure.
But now, I’ve created my own closure.  It’s the only one I’m getting.

I used to cry myself to sleep.
But now I go to sleep with dry eyes and a calm heart.

I used to be sad, unhappy, depressed.
But now, I’m getting better.

Closing The Book Instead Of Turning The Page

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There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book.  I’ve been flipping pages awhile and it’s been a sad one-sided story.  It is now time to close that book.

Just over a week ago, I sent “him” my final farewell email.  It’s was about the 10th farewell email I’ve written over that last couple of months but the only one sent.  In hindsight, I’m very glad I didn’t send the other farewell emails.  They were written at times when raw emotions were in control of the keyboard.  This last  one was written from a place of acceptance. 

I have no idea if “he” will ever read it and I honestly don’t care.  I think I wrote that letter more for me as a way of moving on, letting go.   I spoke my peace from a calm, level-headed state of mind and sent it off.  Just like the balloon in the quote above. There was no hatred, hurt or manipulation in the words just pure acceptance.   I realized that I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I continue to react to it.  I finally reached a point where I no longer want to react to it.  It was necessary for me to create my own closure.  I know I will never get it from “him”.

I feel a weight has been lifted, the fog is clearing away. I feel a sense of freedom.  A smile is making a reappearance to my face.  I will embrace the laugh lines it creates. While I’m not fond of any facial line (lol)  laugh lines tell a much better story than frown lines.

Nice Refreshing Fuck You Drink

I wanted to quickly capture this moment, this feeling before it leaves as mysteriously as it arrived.

I woke up this morning feeling an incredible and unexplained sense of confidence, of empowerment, of lightness.  It feels awesome….like I can conquer anything!   For weeks I’ve been feeling weighted down by “why”,  feeling like a victim,  consumed by hurt and rejection…but this morning, I woke up with a “Fuck You” attitude and a smile.  

Not a pissed off Fuck You attitude more like …. I don’t need you, your lies, your cowardice, your bullshit.  Fuck you,  I deserve better than that so be on your way. 

I have no idea where this is coming from so I don’t know how long it will be around.  I wish I could bottle it up and every morning have my “Fuck You Drink”.   How cool and refreshing would that be?!?!

 

Losing emotional weight and keeping it off

Over the last 2 months, I’ve lost some emotional weight.  As with body weight, one has to work at keeping off the emotional weight or it can creep back on….unless you are one of those lucky people with a super high “happy” metabolism. You guys are inspiring.

Yesterday I had a rough day. Today didn’t really start off any better. I’m starting to feel the emotional weight coming back on. I’ve worked pretty hard to lose that weight and I don’t want it back.

I’m forcing myself to emotionally workout….
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Kick the bullies out of your mental gym

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Force your thoughts to go where you eventually want to be.

For some this is hard to do.  Myself included.  It takes a dedicated effort and a conscious decision to do so.  It’s easy to wallow in sadness, rejection, self defeat,anger, self pity.  Those emotions are soooo strong but….are they strong because they’ve been “working-out”?   Have they been taking up residency in your mental “gym”?  Perhaps it is time to allow different members into your mental “gym”, give them time to work out and become stronger….stronger than the current members.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading blogs about people going through the same struggles as I am.  I found comfort in those blogs.  Hey, I wasn’t the only one feeling sad, lonely, confused, rejected, anger etc.   But I started to realize something…the longer I focused my attention on that, I was continuing to allow those feelings to work-out in my mental gym.  I needed those feelings to get weaker not stronger.

So, I’ve slowly started to switch my focus on where I want to be.  I want to be happy, to move on, to accept and to love the life I have or make my life something I love.  I don’t want to wallow in self pity and sadness anymore.  It’s too damn exhausting and it doesn’t change anything.  There was a time for that, a time to grieve but now it’s time to kick the bullies out of my mental gym and allow the new members time to gain strength. 

Is it easy?  No….not yet.  But with time those positive feelings will get stronger and become automatic.    The alternative….stayed consumed in a dark place with the mental bullies.  Is that where I want to be?  Hell no!