Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

Coffee Escape 

I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment. 

What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.

My coffee cup is empty….back to reality.

From Shocked to Insulted

I responded to P’s email.  I told him that I was surprised to hear from him.  I told him that I was hoping to hear from him after he hung up on me and that the timing was just bad.  However after several days of no response, I accepted the alternative.  I also told him that I hope we do get a chance to talk, that we need to.

A couple days went by and I got a reply on Saturday….a reply that is beyond insulting.

“Hi Baby, Never think the worse, you should know better than that…..”

Followed by some general comments and ending with I am really missing you.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I should know better than that!  Well let’s see, you disappeared into thin air after proclaiming your deep feelings for me…not once but twice.  You ignored the couple of voicemails I left over the last year and didn’t answer the one email I sent and provided no explanation for the year of silence….and I should know better than to think the worse?!?!    I wasn’t thinking the worse but accepting the new reality, asshole.

I can’t even comprehend that statement from him. It is so baffling to me that he thinks I have no reason to think the worse.  I think there is a clinical name for people like this.

I haven’t decided whether or not to respond.  Part of me wants to and enlighten him on his screwed up view. However, I’m not a confrontational person. My response would be passive aggressive.  Would I love to send him the words I wrote above?  Of course, but that’s not my style and would be a step down for me.  Plus why give him the satisfaction of knowing he has that impact on me.  Although the response is negative, it also shows a lot of feeling that would only come from someone who still cared. And he knows that about me. He will know the deeper feeling behind the surface level anger.

In all honesty, it’s probably better that he sends stupid, condescending comments like that.  It’s almost like someone is saying “you didn’t want to see the arrogance and selfishness in his actions, so I’m going to reinforce those same behaviors in written format”.

 

 

Note to self… 

On the 27th of this month, it will be a year since I heard from P.  The first time he disappeared, he magically reappeared 5 months later. That little stunt gave me false hope that he would reappear after this 2nd disappearance.  That has not happened. On the 27th of this month, I will exhange the comma for a period and walk away from the closed door. 

It’s Time…

It’s Time…

Not at day goes by that I don’t think…
Of you
Of us
Of what once was
Of what should have been

My heart is filled with…
Hurt
Anger
Confusion
Grief

It is time to…
Let Go
Move on
Forget
Forgive

My heart needs to find…
Peace
Acceptance
Closure
Happiness

Days need to go by where I don’t think…
Of you
Of us
Of what once was
Of what should have been

 It’s Time…