Escape Back To Me

Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days.  A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip. 

For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things.  For the past 2 days, I have been so calm.  I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.  

I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot.  I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me.  Life is good.  I have been the person I used to be.   I wish I knew how to be this in my own home.  I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them.  I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.  

The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me.  I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough.  I don’t want to go back to that person.  I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door.  That makes me very sad. 

Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now.  It doesn’t consume me at all.  That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart.  But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life.  This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.

All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another.  I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do.  But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life.   I just don’t know how to do that.  😦

 

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“Why don’t you smile anymore..”

“Why don’t you smile anymore, mommy?

A question my young son asked me this morning.

Because life stole my smile buddy.  I’m not living the life for me.  I’m living the life that has been created around me,  one I don’t I fit in but one I’m trapped in. 

I just looked at him smiled and gave him a big hug before he could see the tears fill my eyes.

Coffee Escape 

I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment. 

What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.

My coffee cup is empty….back to reality.

Girls Weekend Getaway

Every year a life long friend and I load up the car and watch parental and spousal responsibility fade away in the rear view mirror.  

I just came back from this year’s trip.  It was 5 days of just being “me”….not a wife or a mother or a professional or any of the other dozen hats I wear on a daily basis….just “me”.  The person I was before I shared my life with another human being and than 3 more little human beings.  A time when I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and my only responsibility was to myself.  

For the last 5 days, I got a chance to be that person again. It was awesome.  I laughed more in those 5 days than I have all year. We did all the girly things one could think of….pedicure, massage, shopping, eating, yoga, movies. We went to a Comedy Club and spent time on the beach. We also had time for ourselves.  My friend and I are so much alike in that we both need quiet downtime where we don’t have to interact with anyone.  We were perfectly content sitting in the same room reading, surfing the internet or whatever our heart desires and not say a word to each other.  

This also gave me time to reflect on my life choices and the need for an escape. This annual trip is an escape from my life. The affair was also an escape from my own life.  What am I escaping?  On the surface and to everyone around me, I appear to have a great life.  However, somewhere along the way I lost me. Having kids was definitely the point when the last sliver of the old me slipped away.  I know the old me still exists. She was running wild and free these last couple of days.  However, I’m not sure how to fit her into my daily life without escaping it by legitimate and not so legitimate means.  I feel trapped in my own life.  

After the trip, re-entry into my life was bumpy.  Parental and spousal responsibility greeted me at the door and in an instant the old me went back into hiding.  The weight of all my hats came back as I crossed the threshold.  Sigh….

See “me” next year.