I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment.
What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.
Every year a life long friend and I load up the car and watch parental and spousal responsibility fade away in the rear view mirror.
I just came back from this year’s trip. It was 5 days of just being “me”….not a wife or a mother or a professional or any of the other dozen hats I wear on a daily basis….just “me”. The person I was before I shared my life with another human being and than 3 more little human beings. A time when I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and my only responsibility was to myself.
For the last 5 days, I got a chance to be that person again. It was awesome. I laughed more in those 5 days than I have all year. We did all the girly things one could think of….pedicure, massage, shopping, eating, yoga, movies. We went to a Comedy Club and spent time on the beach. We also had time for ourselves. My friend and I are so much alike in that we both need quiet downtime where we don’t have to interact with anyone. We were perfectly content sitting in the same room reading, surfing the internet or whatever our heart desires and not say a word to each other.
This also gave me time to reflect on my life choices and the need for an escape. This annual trip is an escape from my life. The affair was also an escape from my own life. What am I escaping? On the surface and to everyone around me, I appear to have a great life. However, somewhere along the way I lost me. Having kids was definitely the point when the last sliver of the old me slipped away. I know the old me still exists. She was running wild and free these last couple of days. However, I’m not sure how to fit her into my daily life without escaping it by legitimate and not so legitimate means. I feel trapped in my own life.
After the trip, re-entry into my life was bumpy. Parental and spousal responsibility greeted me at the door and in an instant the old me went back into hiding. The weight of all my hats came back as I crossed the threshold. Sigh….