“Why don’t you smile anymore..”

“Why don’t you smile anymore, mommy?

A question my young son asked me this morning.

Because life stole my smile buddy.  I’m not living the life for me.  I’m living the life that has been created around me,  one I don’t I fit in but one I’m trapped in. 

I just looked at him smiled and gave him a big hug before he could see the tears fill my eyes.

Like A Moth To A Flame

P. and I have continued to email a couple times a week.  I did hear from him when he was up here for work about 2 months ago.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to see it each.  We were able to have some good phone conversations and he finally told me about his new daughter.  Thanks to social media I’ve known since the time she was born a year and half ago.   Most of that time P. and I were in silent mode.  I suspect it was somewhat due to the new baby.  He said he wanted to wait and tell me when we were together so he could immediately address any concerns I had but didn’t want to wait too long.  I’m glad he finally told me.  I was getting tired of keeping his secret.  He says he didn’t get married but does it really matter or not?  He has a new baby with this woman (the one he disappeared with) so the chances of us being together have become more complicated.  He did seem disappointed that he had gotten himself into this situation….his words.

Aside from that, we had some good long phone conversations and were able to catch up on many things and talk about us.  He is ever the optimist and “knows” we will have our time together.  I’m not quite so optimistic about that.   Although to his credit,  I never believed that we would ever actually speak (met online) or see each other or let the relationship go as far as it did.  But he was always sure that all those things and many other things would happen…and they did.

After he returned home, I didn’t hear from him for almost 3 weeks.  My email folder of unsent emails gained a couple of new entries during that time.  Some were telling him to fuck off, some were passive aggressive, some were factual and unemotional and some were a combination of all the above.   The fear of him just disappearing into thin air came rushed back and choked me.  I found myself consumed with it.  And kicking myself for falling for his bullshit once again.

I sent him email with a song reference “Say something, I’m giving up on you”.  I told him that I gave up on him once before I can do it again.  I also reminded him that if he disappeared again he needed to say good-bye.   2 days later I heard from him asking me to never give up on him.  His “mother-in-law” for lack of better words was visiting and he couldn’t find the alone time to write.  Now, I could punch a bunch of holes into that story but I didn’t..

Like a moth to flame, I was drawn back in.

I’ve been burned before and it wouldn’t surprise me if I got burned again and I would deserve it.  I don’t know what the draw is to this man.  I can’t explain it.  He does know a very different side of me that no one has seen.  I wonder if the vulnerability and exposure of that other side has created a connection that I can’t seem to fully break.  The freedom I had with him to fully express all of myself without inhibitions is an incredible high, perhaps it’s just the high of that relationship that I’m missing.  I tried to fill the hole with a similar type of relationship when he left the first time but it wasn’t the same.  Fortunately, that “relationship” finally ended. It could have become a very bad situation (that’s for another post coming soon).

So for now, I continue to flirt with the mesmerizing flame of P.

This is the life I once longed for…

I spent 10 long years in a horrible, abusive relationship.  I longed for the life I have now…one of safety and security with a man that is emotionally stable and financially responsible, doesn’t have anger management or rage issues or addiction problems. 

I need to remember that when I’m feeling unsatisfied with my life. Out there, there is someone like I once was longing for this life. I shouldn’t take it for granted. 

Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life!! Enjoy yours… If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely..!  All good will come back to you.
Dr. Ben Carson

Coffee Escape 

I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment. 

What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.

My coffee cup is empty….back to reality.

Girls Weekend Getaway

Every year a life long friend and I load up the car and watch parental and spousal responsibility fade away in the rear view mirror.  

I just came back from this year’s trip.  It was 5 days of just being “me”….not a wife or a mother or a professional or any of the other dozen hats I wear on a daily basis….just “me”.  The person I was before I shared my life with another human being and than 3 more little human beings.  A time when I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and my only responsibility was to myself.  

For the last 5 days, I got a chance to be that person again. It was awesome.  I laughed more in those 5 days than I have all year. We did all the girly things one could think of….pedicure, massage, shopping, eating, yoga, movies. We went to a Comedy Club and spent time on the beach. We also had time for ourselves.  My friend and I are so much alike in that we both need quiet downtime where we don’t have to interact with anyone.  We were perfectly content sitting in the same room reading, surfing the internet or whatever our heart desires and not say a word to each other.  

This also gave me time to reflect on my life choices and the need for an escape. This annual trip is an escape from my life. The affair was also an escape from my own life.  What am I escaping?  On the surface and to everyone around me, I appear to have a great life.  However, somewhere along the way I lost me. Having kids was definitely the point when the last sliver of the old me slipped away.  I know the old me still exists. She was running wild and free these last couple of days.  However, I’m not sure how to fit her into my daily life without escaping it by legitimate and not so legitimate means.  I feel trapped in my own life.  

After the trip, re-entry into my life was bumpy.  Parental and spousal responsibility greeted me at the door and in an instant the old me went back into hiding.  The weight of all my hats came back as I crossed the threshold.  Sigh….

See “me” next year.