My thoughts lately have drifted from one end of the spectrum to the other. Some days my thoughts are consumed with hurt, pain and distrust by and for P. Other days are more peaceful ….those are the days when I let go of those tormenting thoughts.
I spent 10 long years in a horrible, abusive relationship. I longed for the life I have now…one of safety and security with a man that is emotionally stable and financially responsible, doesn’t have anger management or rage issues or addiction problems.
I need to remember that when I’m feeling unsatisfied with my life. Out there, there is someone like I once was longing for this life. I shouldn’t take it for granted.
Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life!! Enjoy yours… If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely..! All good will come back to you. Dr. Ben Carson
I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment.
What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.
Every year a life long friend and I load up the car and watch parental and spousal responsibility fade away in the rear view mirror.
I just came back from this year’s trip. It was 5 days of just being “me”….not a wife or a mother or a professional or any of the other dozen hats I wear on a daily basis….just “me”. The person I was before I shared my life with another human being and than 3 more little human beings. A time when I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and my only responsibility was to myself.
For the last 5 days, I got a chance to be that person again. It was awesome. I laughed more in those 5 days than I have all year. We did all the girly things one could think of….pedicure, massage, shopping, eating, yoga, movies. We went to a Comedy Club and spent time on the beach. We also had time for ourselves. My friend and I are so much alike in that we both need quiet downtime where we don’t have to interact with anyone. We were perfectly content sitting in the same room reading, surfing the internet or whatever our heart desires and not say a word to each other.
This also gave me time to reflect on my life choices and the need for an escape. This annual trip is an escape from my life. The affair was also an escape from my own life. What am I escaping? On the surface and to everyone around me, I appear to have a great life. However, somewhere along the way I lost me. Having kids was definitely the point when the last sliver of the old me slipped away. I know the old me still exists. She was running wild and free these last couple of days. However, I’m not sure how to fit her into my daily life without escaping it by legitimate and not so legitimate means. I feel trapped in my own life.
After the trip, re-entry into my life was bumpy. Parental and spousal responsibility greeted me at the door and in an instant the old me went back into hiding. The weight of all my hats came back as I crossed the threshold. Sigh….
The more steps I move forward the more distance I put between me and my x-ap. Often the journey is 1 step forward 3 steps back, brush myself off, lick my wounds and proceed with another step forward. As the steps between us begin to accumulate, one thing remains….the proverbial “bridge”. It’s a rickety old bridge and not safe to cross at all but there it remains. A final “good-bye” would be the match that torches the bridge. However, I have not been able to burn it down.
I believe my x-ap is also not willing to burn down that bridge. Neither one of us has actually said good-bye even though our paths forward take us further and further away from that bridge. Who knows if we will ever return to that crossing but there is a weird and probably false sense of comfort in knowing its still there even if it is the bridge to no where and no longer.