Like A Moth To A Flame

P. and I have continued to email a couple times a week.  I did hear from him when he was up here for work about 2 months ago.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to see it each.  We were able to have some good phone conversations and he finally told me about his new daughter.  Thanks to social media I’ve known since the time she was born a year and half ago.   Most of that time P. and I were in silent mode.  I suspect it was somewhat due to the new baby.  He said he wanted to wait and tell me when we were together so he could immediately address any concerns I had but didn’t want to wait too long.  I’m glad he finally told me.  I was getting tired of keeping his secret.  He says he didn’t get married but does it really matter or not?  He has a new baby with this woman (the one he disappeared with) so the chances of us being together have become more complicated.  He did seem disappointed that he had gotten himself into this situation….his words.

Aside from that, we had some good long phone conversations and were able to catch up on many things and talk about us.  He is ever the optimist and “knows” we will have our time together.  I’m not quite so optimistic about that.   Although to his credit,  I never believed that we would ever actually speak (met online) or see each other or let the relationship go as far as it did.  But he was always sure that all those things and many other things would happen…and they did.

After he returned home, I didn’t hear from him for almost 3 weeks.  My email folder of unsent emails gained a couple of new entries during that time.  Some were telling him to fuck off, some were passive aggressive, some were factual and unemotional and some were a combination of all the above.   The fear of him just disappearing into thin air came rushed back and choked me.  I found myself consumed with it.  And kicking myself for falling for his bullshit once again.

I sent him email with a song reference “Say something, I’m giving up on you”.  I told him that I gave up on him once before I can do it again.  I also reminded him that if he disappeared again he needed to say good-bye.   2 days later I heard from him asking me to never give up on him.  His “mother-in-law” for lack of better words was visiting and he couldn’t find the alone time to write.  Now, I could punch a bunch of holes into that story but I didn’t..

Like a moth to flame, I was drawn back in.

I’ve been burned before and it wouldn’t surprise me if I got burned again and I would deserve it.  I don’t know what the draw is to this man.  I can’t explain it.  He does know a very different side of me that no one has seen.  I wonder if the vulnerability and exposure of that other side has created a connection that I can’t seem to fully break.  The freedom I had with him to fully express all of myself without inhibitions is an incredible high, perhaps it’s just the high of that relationship that I’m missing.  I tried to fill the hole with a similar type of relationship when he left the first time but it wasn’t the same.  Fortunately, that “relationship” finally ended. It could have become a very bad situation (that’s for another post coming soon).

So for now, I continue to flirt with the mesmerizing flame of P.


From Spark, to Fire, to Smolder

“One day, whether you
Are 14, 28 or 65

You will stumble upon
someone who will start
a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,
most awful truth
you will ever come to find — they are not always
with whom we spend our lives”

There was a spark deep inside me, dormant, waiting for someone to ignite it. That spark was a deep dark desire of mine that I kept hidden from the world. I knew it was there just waiting for the right person. 

That person came along and ignited a bonfire within my soul, in my mind and in my body. He woke the sleeping giant and freed it…never to be contained again. The fire burned hotter, higher, effortlessly.   That person owned the torch that fueled my desire and needs. I freely gave that control to him. I trusted him not to burn me with it.   That person was my Master.

I played with the fire and got burned. The scars will forever remain. The needs and desires that he freed and then left behind still smolder in my soul. It is a part of me that cannot be completely extinguished.