I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment.
What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.
There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book. I’ve been flipping pages awhile and it’s been a sad one-sided story. It is now time to close that book.
Just over a week ago, I sent “him” my final farewell email. It’s was about the 10th farewell email I’ve written over that last couple of months but the only one sent. In hindsight, I’m very glad I didn’t send the other farewell emails. They were written at times when raw emotions were in control of the keyboard. This last one was written from a place of acceptance.
I have no idea if “he” will ever read it and I honestly don’t care. I think I wrote that letter more for me as a way of moving on, letting go. I spoke my peace from a calm, level-headed state of mind and sent it off. Just like the balloon in the quote above. There was no hatred, hurt or manipulation in the words just pure acceptance. I realized that I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I continue to react to it. I finally reached a point where I no longer want to react to it. It was necessary for me to create my own closure. I know I will never get it from “him”.
I feel a weight has been lifted, the fog is clearing away. I feel a sense of freedom. A smile is making a reappearance to my face. I will embrace the laugh lines it creates. While I’m not fond of any facial line (lol) laugh lines tell a much better story than frown lines.
I wanted to quickly capture this moment, this feeling before it leaves as mysteriously as it arrived.
I woke up this morning feeling an incredible and unexplained sense of confidence, of empowerment, of lightness. It feels awesome….like I can conquer anything! For weeks I’ve been feeling weighted down by “why”, feeling like a victim, consumed by hurt and rejection…but this morning, I woke up with a “Fuck You” attitude and a smile.
Not a pissed off Fuck You attitude more like …. I don’t need you, your lies, your cowardice, your bullshit. Fuck you, I deserve better than that so be on your way.
I have no idea where this is coming from so I don’t know how long it will be around. I wish I could bottle it up and every morning have my “Fuck You Drink”. How cool and refreshing would that be?!?!
I spent my 20’s in an abusive, violent relationship. 10 years of pure hell. My now husband was my co-worker during that time. He was so kind, understanding, nice. I saw how he treated his girlfriend and I longed to have that…to be in his girlfriend’s place.
Fear froze me in that abusive relationship. I never ever thought I would have the kind of relationship I longed for. But miracles happen…
I was freed from the abuse and violence. My husband’s relationship ended sometime before that. Even though we no longer worked together, fate reconnected us. I found myself in the exact spot I always dreamt of. I was now in the loving arms of this kind, understanding man. I was no longer living in fear. Life was great.
I don’t want to spoil what I have….it was once my heart’s desire and if I stop focusing on what I don’t have, I think I’ll see that it still is my heart’s desire.
Over the last 2 months, I’ve lost some emotional weight. As with body weight, one has to work at keeping off the emotional weight or it can creep back on….unless you are one of those lucky people with a super high “happy” metabolism. You guys are inspiring.
Yesterday I had a rough day. Today didn’t really start off any better. I’m starting to feel the emotional weight coming back on. I’ve worked pretty hard to lose that weight and I don’t want it back.