Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days. A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip.
For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things. For the past 2 days, I have been so calm. I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.
I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot. I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me. Life is good. I have been the person I used to be. I wish I knew how to be this in my own home. I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them. I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.
The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me. I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough. I don’t want to go back to that person. I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door. That makes me very sad.
Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now. It doesn’t consume me at all. That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart. But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life. This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.
All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another. I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do. But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life. I just don’t know how to do that. 😦
I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment.
What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.
There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book. I’ve been flipping pages awhile and it’s been a sad one-sided story. It is now time to close that book.
Just over a week ago, I sent “him” my final farewell email. It’s was about the 10th farewell email I’ve written over that last couple of months but the only one sent. In hindsight, I’m very glad I didn’t send the other farewell emails. They were written at times when raw emotions were in control of the keyboard. This last one was written from a place of acceptance.
I have no idea if “he” will ever read it and I honestly don’t care. I think I wrote that letter more for me as a way of moving on, letting go. I spoke my peace from a calm, level-headed state of mind and sent it off. Just like the balloon in the quote above. There was no hatred, hurt or manipulation in the words just pure acceptance. I realized that I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I continue to react to it. I finally reached a point where I no longer want to react to it. It was necessary for me to create my own closure. I know I will never get it from “him”.
I feel a weight has been lifted, the fog is clearing away. I feel a sense of freedom. A smile is making a reappearance to my face. I will embrace the laugh lines it creates. While I’m not fond of any facial line (lol) laugh lines tell a much better story than frown lines.
I wanted to quickly capture this moment, this feeling before it leaves as mysteriously as it arrived.
I woke up this morning feeling an incredible and unexplained sense of confidence, of empowerment, of lightness. It feels awesome….like I can conquer anything! For weeks I’ve been feeling weighted down by “why”, feeling like a victim, consumed by hurt and rejection…but this morning, I woke up with a “Fuck You” attitude and a smile.
Not a pissed off Fuck You attitude more like …. I don’t need you, your lies, your cowardice, your bullshit. Fuck you, I deserve better than that so be on your way.
I have no idea where this is coming from so I don’t know how long it will be around. I wish I could bottle it up and every morning have my “Fuck You Drink”. How cool and refreshing would that be?!?!
I spent my 20’s in an abusive, violent relationship. 10 years of pure hell. My now husband was my co-worker during that time. He was so kind, understanding, nice. I saw how he treated his girlfriend and I longed to have that…to be in his girlfriend’s place.
Fear froze me in that abusive relationship. I never ever thought I would have the kind of relationship I longed for. But miracles happen…
I was freed from the abuse and violence. My husband’s relationship ended sometime before that. Even though we no longer worked together, fate reconnected us. I found myself in the exact spot I always dreamt of. I was now in the loving arms of this kind, understanding man. I was no longer living in fear. Life was great.
I don’t want to spoil what I have….it was once my heart’s desire and if I stop focusing on what I don’t have, I think I’ll see that it still is my heart’s desire.
Over the last 2 months, I’ve lost some emotional weight. As with body weight, one has to work at keeping off the emotional weight or it can creep back on….unless you are one of those lucky people with a super high “happy” metabolism. You guys are inspiring.
Yesterday I had a rough day. Today didn’t really start off any better. I’m starting to feel the emotional weight coming back on. I’ve worked pretty hard to lose that weight and I don’t want it back.