Like A Moth To A Flame

P. and I have continued to email a couple times a week.  I did hear from him when he was up here for work about 2 months ago.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to see it each.  We were able to have some good phone conversations and he finally told me about his new daughter.  Thanks to social media I’ve known since the time she was born a year and half ago.   Most of that time P. and I were in silent mode.  I suspect it was somewhat due to the new baby.  He said he wanted to wait and tell me when we were together so he could immediately address any concerns I had but didn’t want to wait too long.  I’m glad he finally told me.  I was getting tired of keeping his secret.  He says he didn’t get married but does it really matter or not?  He has a new baby with this woman (the one he disappeared with) so the chances of us being together have become more complicated.  He did seem disappointed that he had gotten himself into this situation….his words.

Aside from that, we had some good long phone conversations and were able to catch up on many things and talk about us.  He is ever the optimist and “knows” we will have our time together.  I’m not quite so optimistic about that.   Although to his credit,  I never believed that we would ever actually speak (met online) or see each other or let the relationship go as far as it did.  But he was always sure that all those things and many other things would happen…and they did.

After he returned home, I didn’t hear from him for almost 3 weeks.  My email folder of unsent emails gained a couple of new entries during that time.  Some were telling him to fuck off, some were passive aggressive, some were factual and unemotional and some were a combination of all the above.   The fear of him just disappearing into thin air came rushed back and choked me.  I found myself consumed with it.  And kicking myself for falling for his bullshit once again.

I sent him email with a song reference “Say something, I’m giving up on you”.  I told him that I gave up on him once before I can do it again.  I also reminded him that if he disappeared again he needed to say good-bye.   2 days later I heard from him asking me to never give up on him.  His “mother-in-law” for lack of better words was visiting and he couldn’t find the alone time to write.  Now, I could punch a bunch of holes into that story but I didn’t..

Like a moth to flame, I was drawn back in.

I’ve been burned before and it wouldn’t surprise me if I got burned again and I would deserve it.  I don’t know what the draw is to this man.  I can’t explain it.  He does know a very different side of me that no one has seen.  I wonder if the vulnerability and exposure of that other side has created a connection that I can’t seem to fully break.  The freedom I had with him to fully express all of myself without inhibitions is an incredible high, perhaps it’s just the high of that relationship that I’m missing.  I tried to fill the hole with a similar type of relationship when he left the first time but it wasn’t the same.  Fortunately, that “relationship” finally ended. It could have become a very bad situation (that’s for another post coming soon).

So for now, I continue to flirt with the mesmerizing flame of P.

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Folder of unsent emails grows

After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January.  At first I was hearing from him quite often. However,  lately his responses have become farther and farther apart.  With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder.  That draft folder is growing.  There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago.   In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain.  They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P.  He deserves every single razor blade cutting word.  Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up.  Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?

When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things.  I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years.   When I voiced my doubt,  he knew just what to say.  I fell for it all over again.  I let my guard down.  Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know.  I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not.  But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.

We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week and he told me not to go to that dark place.  I told him he makes it easy to go there.  More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon.  He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.

Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder.  It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me.   Pathetic.

 

 

 

Gallbladder..you suck

I’ve been dealing with intermittent upper abdominal discomfort for a couple of months and finally have an answer….which isn’t always a great thing.  My gallbladder is not functioning…0%.  I don’t have any stones or inflammation, it just doesn’t function.

Now I’m someone who needs to know and understand everything.  It’s annoying to many and I am a doctor’s worst nightmare.  So why is’t it functioning?  Can it start functioning?  Is this really the source of my problems?  Is surgery really necessary?  Will surgery fix all the symptoms?  Is this a primary problem or secondary to another issue that hasn’t been discovered? etc etc

My primary dr, who is now annoyed with me for questioning her treatment plan, insists surgery is the only answer.  When I asked about other seemingly unrelated issues, she simply responds…remove the gallbladder and if the other symptoms don’t go away after 3-4 weeks post-op, we’ll see if something else is going one.

Me…blank stare  ah, seriously?!?!

Fortunately, the surgeon recommended against surgery at this time.  My naturopathic dr thinks I can wait on surgery as well.  Both agree that absent of stones, inflammation and pain that is interrupting my life, surgery is not the best solution at this time and may cause other issues.  Welll…I’m not trying to trade one problem for another.

But….I’m still conflicted by all of this and all of the volumes of research I have done.  I’m developing new symptoms that may be internalized anxiety about all of this.  BTW, the gallbladder is sensitive to stress.  Well….that’s going to be a problem.

I really don’t have time to deal with this crap….gallbladder you suck.

This song….

There is a line in this song that hits my heart hard. 

When is the first time I’ll never see you again…”.  

I wish I knew when we said goodbye in the parking lot, it was the first time I would never see him again. I had no idea there was a train barreling down the track and getting ready to slam into me.

3 Door Down – Goodbyes

There’s so much that I would say if I could see you one last time.
But now I can’t ’cause you’re not here but you’re always on my mind.
When I look up and you’re not there, when I lie awake at night
All these things I ask myself and I don’t know why.


(When it’s the first time)
When is the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
(When it’s the last time)
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
(It’s never easy)
They’re never easy but sometimes, goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

When it’s the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
They’re never easy but sometimes goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

I look ahead but can’t move on, I look back but I can’t stay.
And I keep tryin to be strong, but this pain, it won’t go away.
And I hope this will heal in time ’cause I can’t go on like this,
And right now I would give my life for one last kiss.


(When it’s the first time)
When is the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
(When it’s the last time)
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
(It’s never easy)
They’re never easy but sometimes, goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

You’ll be there on my mind, standing in the sunshine.

(When it’s the first time)
When it’s the first time that you’ll never see someone again?
(When it’s the last time)
When it’s the last time you weren’t ready for it to end?
When will I leave you standing alone there in the dark?
(It’s never easy)
They’re never easy but sometimes, goodbyes are so hard, they’re so hard.

Releasing A Good Cry Is Energizing Not A Weakness — Positive Outlooks Blog

You can’t be strong all the time. Sometimes you just need to be alone and let your tears out. GENTLE REMINDERS: This book can be a powerful coffee table book, a gift book or a self-help book. Display it where it can be easily seen, so that every time friends and family come to visit, they […]

via Releasing A Good Cry Is Energizing Not A Weakness — Positive Outlooks Blog