Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

I’m in shock…

Last time I heard from P. was November 2015…over a year ago.  I’ve called a handful of times and sent a couple emails but had no contact since last July.  Until last Friday….when the Flower Petal Roulette landed on “I let him go Not”.

I called him and he actually answered.  My number was blocked so he didn’t know it was me until I spoke and then he hung up on me. Either his presumed wife was there or he was still being coward.  I called back and of course it went to voicemail.  I told him I needed 15 mins of his time and then he would never hear from me again.  I never heard back from him until today.

I opened our email to send him a farewell email. I was closing our book and doing what he should have done when he left the first time.  But when I opened our email, there on the screen was an email from him.

I’m in shock, numb.  I’ve just been staring at the words on the screen.  “Hi Baby, I’m still here.  I haven’t left you…….”.  Really?!?!  I don’t know if I’m angry, relieved, sad. I feel sick on my stomach.  I think I was already prepared to not hear from him.

Damn….I wasn’t prepared for this.

Flower Petal Roulette

“I let him go”

“I let him go Not”

“I let him go”

“I let him go Not”

…..the petals of my soul fall to the floor.  Just when the last petal lands on “I let him go” and I am feeling strong, another flower appears in the vase…more petals.  I walk away from the vase, smashed it on the floor yet it always reappears, taunting me, pulling me in.   My hand reaches for another flower and the flower petal roulette starts all over.  Today, I landed on “I let him go Not”.  Damn flowers…the thorns hurt, my tears water the flowers….vicious cycle. 

Passage of Time…

Time has a way of moving on…the days are long and the years are short. The passage of time has offered some healing but the wounds are still open. 

6 years – My other man and I were “together”

2 1/2 years – since I saw him

2 years – since he told me I was always with him as long as he breathed air and then disappeared from my life the next day.

1 1/2 years – since he reappeared via email and told me how much he loved and missed me.

1 year – since he last spoke on the phone together.

6 months – since his last phone call to me….last communication from him.

1 month – since my last attempt to reach out to him. 

If this pattern continues, I fear the next time line entries will read….

5 years – since I’ve heard from him

0 days – since I’ve forgotten him or felt free from the pain in my heart and soul. 

Against All Odds

I’m working late, listening to music and this song came on. I was doing fairly well from an acceptance perspective  (daily battle). The lyrics to this song instantly derailed me because….it’s against all odds that he will ever come back to me.

Against All Odds – Phil Collins 

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that’s what I’ve got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cause there’s just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cause I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take

Take a look at me now

Disappearing Act 2

It appears my x-ap has disappeared again.  I want to be furious with him and I am in some respect  but if I really think about it, it’s me I’m mad at, disappointed with, embarrassed by.  After all, I allowed him access to me.  I allowed him to wedge into the crack in my heart. I let him back into my head.  I gave him a free pass…again.  I wanted to believe what he was saying even though many of his comments were confusing, selfish and frustrating. 

And why?  For what?  What was I trying to get out of this communication?  What need am I trying to meet with this toxic dysfunctional relationship?  Is it lack of self-worth or esteem? Co-dependency?  What else could it be…why else would someone not stand up for themselves and walk away from that which is obviously harmful to them? What am I afraid of?   I don’t even know.  I keep asking myself these types of questions hoping an answer magically appears.  I’ve stared hard at myself in the mirror and asked these questions, looking myself in the eye.   All I get in return is a blank stare wrapped in confusion.