This is the life I once longed for…

I spent 10 long years in a horrible, abusive relationship.  I longed for the life I have now…one of safety and security with a man that is emotionally stable and financially responsible, doesn’t have anger management or rage issues or addiction problems. 

I need to remember that when I’m feeling unsatisfied with my life. Out there, there is someone like I once was longing for this life. I shouldn’t take it for granted. 

Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life!! Enjoy yours… If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely..!  All good will come back to you.
Dr. Ben Carson

No matter how bad it hurts.

No matter how bad it hurts or how bad you feel, it’s time to stop thinking about that person who played with your feelings, who took your love for granted, who never appreciated your care, who wasn’t contented with what you could give him or her. You can’t stay at that hurtful place anymore. You can’t keep shedding tears over someone who doesn’t deserve the love you gave. You can’t keep feeling sorry for yourself and thinking if only you did more. You can’t make them want the relationship because if they wanted they wouldn’t have let go of you.
You deserve better now. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who won’t play with your delicate heart.. Just like a cut on your hand will take time to heal, your broken heart needs time to heal as well. That’s not the end of your life. You will get over that pain you’re having right now and one day you’ll be happy again.

Gallbladder..you suck

I’ve been dealing with intermittent upper abdominal discomfort for a couple of months and finally have an answer….which isn’t always a great thing.  My gallbladder is not functioning…0%.  I don’t have any stones or inflammation, it just doesn’t function.

Now I’m someone who needs to know and understand everything.  It’s annoying to many and I am a doctor’s worst nightmare.  So why is’t it functioning?  Can it start functioning?  Is this really the source of my problems?  Is surgery really necessary?  Will surgery fix all the symptoms?  Is this a primary problem or secondary to another issue that hasn’t been discovered? etc etc

My primary dr, who is now annoyed with me for questioning her treatment plan, insists surgery is the only answer.  When I asked about other seemingly unrelated issues, she simply responds…remove the gallbladder and if the other symptoms don’t go away after 3-4 weeks post-op, we’ll see if something else is going one.

Me…blank stare  ah, seriously?!?!

Fortunately, the surgeon recommended against surgery at this time.  My naturopathic dr thinks I can wait on surgery as well.  Both agree that absent of stones, inflammation and pain that is interrupting my life, surgery is not the best solution at this time and may cause other issues.  Welll…I’m not trying to trade one problem for another.

But….I’m still conflicted by all of this and all of the volumes of research I have done.  I’m developing new symptoms that may be internalized anxiety about all of this.  BTW, the gallbladder is sensitive to stress.  Well….that’s going to be a problem.

I really don’t have time to deal with this crap….gallbladder you suck.

Coffee Escape 

I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment. 

What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.

My coffee cup is empty….back to reality.

From Shocked to Insulted

I responded to P’s email.  I told him that I was surprised to hear from him.  I told him that I was hoping to hear from him after he hung up on me and that the timing was just bad.  However after several days of no response, I accepted the alternative.  I also told him that I hope we do get a chance to talk, that we need to.

A couple days went by and I got a reply on Saturday….a reply that is beyond insulting.

“Hi Baby, Never think the worse, you should know better than that…..”

Followed by some general comments and ending with I am really missing you.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I should know better than that!  Well let’s see, you disappeared into thin air after proclaiming your deep feelings for me…not once but twice.  You ignored the couple of voicemails I left over the last year and didn’t answer the one email I sent and provided no explanation for the year of silence….and I should know better than to think the worse?!?!    I wasn’t thinking the worse but accepting the new reality, asshole.

I can’t even comprehend that statement from him. It is so baffling to me that he thinks I have no reason to think the worse.  I think there is a clinical name for people like this.

I haven’t decided whether or not to respond.  Part of me wants to and enlighten him on his screwed up view. However, I’m not a confrontational person. My response would be passive aggressive.  Would I love to send him the words I wrote above?  Of course, but that’s not my style and would be a step down for me.  Plus why give him the satisfaction of knowing he has that impact on me.  Although the response is negative, it also shows a lot of feeling that would only come from someone who still cared. And he knows that about me. He will know the deeper feeling behind the surface level anger.

In all honesty, it’s probably better that he sends stupid, condescending comments like that.  It’s almost like someone is saying “you didn’t want to see the arrogance and selfishness in his actions, so I’m going to reinforce those same behaviors in written format”.

 

 

I’m in shock…

Last time I heard from P. was November 2015…over a year ago.  I’ve called a handful of times and sent a couple emails but had no contact since last July.  Until last Friday….when the Flower Petal Roulette landed on “I let him go Not”.

I called him and he actually answered.  My number was blocked so he didn’t know it was me until I spoke and then he hung up on me. Either his presumed wife was there or he was still being coward.  I called back and of course it went to voicemail.  I told him I needed 15 mins of his time and then he would never hear from me again.  I never heard back from him until today.

I opened our email to send him a farewell email. I was closing our book and doing what he should have done when he left the first time.  But when I opened our email, there on the screen was an email from him.

I’m in shock, numb.  I’ve just been staring at the words on the screen.  “Hi Baby, I’m still here.  I haven’t left you…….”.  Really?!?!  I don’t know if I’m angry, relieved, sad. I feel sick on my stomach.  I think I was already prepared to not hear from him.

Damn….I wasn’t prepared for this.