No matter how bad it hurts or how bad you feel, it’s time to stop thinking about that person who played with your feelings, who took your love for granted, who never appreciated your care, who wasn’t contented with what you could give him or her. You can’t stay at that hurtful place anymore. You can’t keep shedding tears over someone who doesn’t deserve the love you gave. You can’t keep feeling sorry for yourself and thinking if only you did more. You can’t make them want the relationship because if they wanted they wouldn’t have let go of you.
You deserve better now. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who won’t play with your delicate heart.. Just like a cut on your hand will take time to heal, your broken heart needs time to heal as well. That’s not the end of your life. You will get over that pain you’re having right now and one day you’ll be happy again.
I responded to P’s email. I told him that I was surprised to hear from him. I told him that I was hoping to hear from him after he hung up on me and that the timing was just bad. However after several days of no response, I accepted the alternative. I also told him that I hope we do get a chance to talk, that we need to.
A couple days went by and I got a reply on Saturday….a reply that is beyond insulting.
“Hi Baby, Never think the worse, you should know better than that…..”
Followed by some general comments and ending with I am really missing you.
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I should know better than that! Well let’s see, you disappeared into thin air after proclaiming your deep feelings for me…not once but twice. You ignored the couple of voicemails I left over the last year and didn’t answer the one email I sent and provided no explanation for the year of silence….and I should know better than to think the worse?!?! I wasn’t thinking the worse but accepting the new reality, asshole.
I can’t even comprehend that statement from him. It is so baffling to me that he thinks I have no reason to think the worse. I think there is a clinical name for people like this.
I haven’t decided whether or not to respond. Part of me wants to and enlighten him on his screwed up view. However, I’m not a confrontational person. My response would be passive aggressive. Would I love to send him the words I wrote above? Of course, but that’s not my style and would be a step down for me. Plus why give him the satisfaction of knowing he has that impact on me. Although the response is negative, it also shows a lot of feeling that would only come from someone who still cared. And he knows that about me. He will know the deeper feeling behind the surface level anger.
In all honesty, it’s probably better that he sends stupid, condescending comments like that. It’s almost like someone is saying “you didn’t want to see the arrogance and selfishness in his actions, so I’m going to reinforce those same behaviors in written format”.
Last time I heard from P. was November 2015…over a year ago. I’ve called a handful of times and sent a couple emails but had no contact since last July. Until last Friday….when the Flower Petal Roulette landed on “I let him go Not”.
I called him and he actually answered. My number was blocked so he didn’t know it was me until I spoke and then he hung up on me. Either his presumed wife was there or he was still being coward. I called back and of course it went to voicemail. I told him I needed 15 mins of his time and then he would never hear from me again. I never heard back from him until today.
I opened our email to send him a farewell email. I was closing our book and doing what he should have done when he left the first time. But when I opened our email, there on the screen was an email from him.
I’m in shock, numb. I’ve just been staring at the words on the screen. “Hi Baby, I’m still here. I haven’t left you…….”. Really?!?! I don’t know if I’m angry, relieved, sad. I feel sick on my stomach. I think I was already prepared to not hear from him.
Damn….I wasn’t prepared for this.
“I let him go”
“I let him go Not”
“I let him go”
“I let him go Not”
…..the petals of my soul fall to the floor. Just when the last petal lands on “I let him go” and I am feeling strong, another flower appears in the vase…more petals. I walk away from the vase, smashed it on the floor yet it always reappears, taunting me, pulling me in. My hand reaches for another flower and the flower petal roulette starts all over. Today, I landed on “I let him go Not”. Damn flowers…the thorns hurt, my tears water the flowers….vicious cycle.
When I was initially ripped to pieces, I never thought I would survive. The pain was devastating. But with each piece that I put back together, I can see the strength being restored….piece by piece.
On the 27th of this month, it will be a year since I heard from P. The first time he disappeared, he magically reappeared 5 months later. That little stunt gave me false hope that he would reappear after this 2nd disappearance. That has not happened. On the 27th of this month, I will exhange the comma for a period and walk away from the closed door.