Escape Back To Me

Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days.  A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip. 

For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things.  For the past 2 days, I have been so calm.  I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.  

I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot.  I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me.  Life is good.  I have been the person I used to be.   I wish I knew how to be this in my own home.  I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them.  I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.  

The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me.  I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough.  I don’t want to go back to that person.  I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door.  That makes me very sad. 

Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now.  It doesn’t consume me at all.  That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart.  But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life.  This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.

All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another.  I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do.  But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life.   I just don’t know how to do that.  ūüė¶

 

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Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

Folder of unsent emails grows

After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January. ¬†At first I was hearing from him quite often. However, ¬†lately his responses have become farther and farther apart. ¬†With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder. ¬†That draft folder is growing. ¬†There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago. ¬† In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain. ¬†They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P. ¬†He deserves every single razor blade cutting word. ¬†Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up. ¬†Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?

When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things. ¬†I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years. ¬† When I voiced my doubt, ¬†he knew just what to say. ¬†I fell for it all over again. ¬†I let my guard down. ¬†Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know. ¬†I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not. ¬†But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.

We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week¬†and he told me not to go to that dark place. ¬†I told him he makes it easy to go there. ¬†More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon. ¬†He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.

Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder. ¬†It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me. ¬† Pathetic.

 

 

 

From Shocked to Insulted

I responded to P’s email. ¬†I told him that I was surprised to hear from him. ¬†I told him that I was hoping to hear from him after he hung up on me and that the timing was just bad. ¬†However after several days of no response, I accepted the alternative. ¬†I also told him that I hope we do get a chance to talk, that we need to.

A couple days went by and I got a reply on Saturday….a reply that is beyond insulting.

“Hi Baby, Never think the worse, you should know better than that…..”

Followed by some general comments and ending with I am really missing you.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? I should know better than that! ¬†Well let’s see, you disappeared into thin air after proclaiming your deep feelings for me…not once but twice. ¬†You ignored the couple of voicemails I left over the last year and didn’t answer the one email I sent and provided no explanation for the year of silence….and I should know better than to think the worse?!?! ¬† ¬†I wasn’t thinking the worse but accepting the new reality, asshole.

I can’t even comprehend that statement from him. It is so baffling to me that he thinks I have no reason to think the worse. ¬†I think there is a clinical name for people like this.

I haven’t decided whether or not to respond. ¬†Part of me wants to and enlighten him on his screwed up view. However, I’m not a confrontational person. My response would be passive aggressive. ¬†Would I love to send him the words I wrote above? ¬†Of course, but that’s not my style and would be a step down for me. ¬†Plus why give him the satisfaction of knowing he has that impact on me. ¬†Although the response is negative, it also shows a lot of feeling that would only come from someone who still cared. And he knows that about me. He will know the deeper feeling behind the surface level anger.

In all honesty, it’s probably better that he sends stupid, condescending comments like that. ¬†It’s almost like someone is saying “you didn’t want to see the arrogance and selfishness in his actions, so I’m going to reinforce¬†those¬†same behaviors in written format”.