Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways. Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away. I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.
Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near?
I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.
The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen.
It appears my x-ap has disappeared again. I want to be furious with him and I am in some respect but if I really think about it, it’s me I’m mad at, disappointed with, embarrassed by. After all, I allowed him access to me. I allowed him to wedge into the crack in my heart. I let him back into my head. I gave him a free pass…again. I wanted to believe what he was saying even though many of his comments were confusing, selfish and frustrating.
And why? For what? What was I trying to get out of this communication? What need am I trying to meet with this toxic dysfunctional relationship? Is it lack of self-worth or esteem? Co-dependency? What else could it be…why else would someone not stand up for themselves and walk away from that which is obviously harmful to them? What am I afraid of? I don’t even know. I keep asking myself these types of questions hoping an answer magically appears. I’ve stared hard at myself in the mirror and asked these questions, looking myself in the eye. All I get in return is a blank stare wrapped in confusion.
I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I’m happy to report that I’m in a GREAT place. I was getting ready to create a post about it and then started flipping through my media folder. WOW! So many quotes dripping with hurt, pain, rejection. It’s reminder of where I was and where I don’t want to be again. While the quotes don’t hold the same control over me as they did a once did , I’m going to post some of them…another way to let go and move on.
It’s been a challenging night. I can’t seem to get you out of my head. So it’s going on here. Hopefully, dumping all my screwed up thoughts and emotions will help get you out of my head and heart.
It’s been a month since I’ve heard from you, a month since you “disappeared”..promising to call in a couple days once you get settled. You told me you needed me to trust you, that you weren’t pushing me away, that you were always with me. Continue reading →