It’s Time…

It’s Time…

Not at day goes by that I don’t think…
Of you
Of us
Of what once was
Of what should have been

My heart is filled with…
Hurt
Anger
Confusion
Grief

It is time to…
Let Go
Move on
Forget
Forgive

My heart needs to find…
Peace
Acceptance
Closure
Happiness

Days need to go by where I don’t think…
Of you
Of us
Of what once was
Of what should have been

 It’s Time…

Disappearing Act 2

It appears my x-ap has disappeared again.  I want to be furious with him and I am in some respect  but if I really think about it, it’s me I’m mad at, disappointed with, embarrassed by.  After all, I allowed him access to me.  I allowed him to wedge into the crack in my heart. I let him back into my head.  I gave him a free pass…again.  I wanted to believe what he was saying even though many of his comments were confusing, selfish and frustrating. 

And why?  For what?  What was I trying to get out of this communication?  What need am I trying to meet with this toxic dysfunctional relationship?  Is it lack of self-worth or esteem? Co-dependency?  What else could it be…why else would someone not stand up for themselves and walk away from that which is obviously harmful to them? What am I afraid of?   I don’t even know.  I keep asking myself these types of questions hoping an answer magically appears.  I’ve stared hard at myself in the mirror and asked these questions, looking myself in the eye.   All I get in return is a blank stare wrapped in confusion. 

 

The Sent Text Message and the Overthinker

So I did it..I caved and sent “him”, the OM, a text yesterday morning.  It simply said:

“Why did you runaway, {insert his name}? Why…”

That’s it. One little sentence…plain and simple.

I am an overthinker.  I can analyze the crap out of anything and spend hours doing so.  My mind does not shut off.  It constantly thinks, analyzes.  And…that one little sentence was not excluded.  That one little sentence took me about 4 hours to write and finally send.  Yes, 4 hours. 

I came up with about 10 other versions.  The first one was in my post “The Unsent Text Message“.  I found something wrong with each version.  I imagined his reaction to each one.  One was too bitchy, one was too pitiful, one was too long, one was too passive aggressive, one was broken into 2 text messages, one was too this or too that.   

Then just when I thought I had the perfect words, I started thinking about the best time to send it.  Since I don’t know what’s going on with him, this task was a bit challenging.  When I finally decided on the time, I reread the final text version and decided it wasn’t right…..sigh.  The hazards of an overthinker

Yes….lots of time wasted on that one little sentence.  And you know what I received in return.  Nothing.  It’s been 24 hours and no response.

I purposely sent a text versus an email so I can see that it was successfully delivered (always thinking).  So I know it got to his phone.  While part of me didn’t really expect him to reply, there is always that sliver of hope that the “perfect” words will trigger a response.  Now I’m overthinking and analyzing the outcome of this.  Picturing his reaction when he saw it, thinking about what went through his head. 

My mind is already thinking ahead…..The hazards of an overthinker….

The Unsent Text Message

Since “he” left unexpectedly July 4th weekend, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride. However recently, I’ve been feeling pretty good all things considered. I believe I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling confident that it isn’t actually another oncoming train in disguise.

 But today….today I’m feeling a familiar weight on my heart. I know this weight well. Today I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment, sadness and the need to know “why”. I want to send “him” the following text message:

“I never thought you would runaway …
and definitely not without an explanation or even a goodbye.
I thought you were stronger, better than that.”

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