Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days. A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip.
For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things. For the past 2 days, I have been so calm. I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.
I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot. I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me. Life is good. I have been the person I used to be. I wish I knew how to be this in my own home. I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them. I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.
The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me. I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough. I don’t want to go back to that person. I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door. That makes me very sad.
Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now. It doesn’t consume me at all. That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart. But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life. This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.
All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another. I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do. But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life. I just don’t know how to do that. 😦
Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways. Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away. I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.
Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near?
I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.
The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen.
I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I’m happy to report that I’m in a GREAT place. I was getting ready to create a post about it and then started flipping through my media folder. WOW! So many quotes dripping with hurt, pain, rejection. It’s reminder of where I was and where I don’t want to be again. While the quotes don’t hold the same control over me as they did a once did , I’m going to post some of them…another way to let go and move on.
Since “he” left unexpectedly July 4th weekend, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride. However recently, I’ve been feeling pretty good all things considered. I believe I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling confident that it isn’t actually another oncoming train in disguise.
But today….today I’m feeling a familiar weight on my heart. I know this weight well. Today I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment, sadness and the need to know “why”. I want to send “him” the following text message:
“I never thought you would runaway … and definitely not without an explanation or even a goodbye. I thought you were stronger, better than that.”
While my previous post was about living in the present, it’s nighttime and the hardest part of the day for me. All is quiet in my house and my mind wanders, my heart aches and my fingers scour the internet trying to catch a glimpse of you somewhere anywhere. Continue reading →