This appeared in my inbox. I can hear it screaming at me to pay attention to the message.
Every once in awhile, those thoughts of what once was creep into my mind and heart. They come with their sharp knives, scissors and hammers and inflict pain on the slowly healing wounds.
Thoughts are so powerful. They are the driver of how we feel and our daily outlook. It is a struggle every day to see the goodness around me. It is especially hard when the thoughts I’m trying to forget creep in and try to destroy the new seedlings of positive thoughts.
That is a quote from one of my blog posts 2 years ago. A few short weeks before that post, I sent my “final” farewell email to my x-ap. 2 years ago! And yet, I find myself in the exact same place today. Once again, I pushed through the pain and hurt of P. disappearing into thin air …again. My last contact was in July and I’m feeling stronger each day.
When allowed to flourish, there is great strength in acceptance. My hands were tired of holding on. I held on as long as I could but eventually I had to let go. We all do at some point….including my x-ap (story for another day). The calluses remain but with time those will eventually soften.
And so as history continues to repeat itself, there was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from P. again. Now I’m afraid I will.
The more steps I move forward the more distance I put between me and my x-ap. Often the journey is 1 step forward 3 steps back, brush myself off, lick my wounds and proceed with another step forward. As the steps between us begin to accumulate, one thing remains….the proverbial “bridge”. It’s a rickety old bridge and not safe to cross at all but there it remains. A final “good-bye” would be the match that torches the bridge. However, I have not been able to burn it down.
I believe my x-ap is also not willing to burn down that bridge. Neither one of us has actually said good-bye even though our paths forward take us further and further away from that bridge. Who knows if we will ever return to that crossing but there is a weird and probably false sense of comfort in knowing its still there even if it is the bridge to no where and no longer.
Not at day goes by that I don’t think…
Of what once was
Of what should have been
My heart is filled with…
It is time to…
My heart needs to find…
Days need to go by where I don’t think…
Of what once was
Of what should have been
Well my x-ap popped up again a week or 2 ago. Reminds me of the game “Whack-a-mole”…apparently I’m still not very good at that game. But…I also had an epiphany.
I had certain expectations of my x-ap and because they weren’t being met, I was getting myself spun up emotionally. Because he wanted me to start wearing the special bracelet and resume “special Wednesdays”, I had an expectation that he should be reaching out to me more, trying to make up for what he did, make more of an effort. He knows those things have an extremely strong emotional attachment to me and so I expected more from him. And when he did not meet those expectations, my defenses went into high gear. The pain he caused me is still fresh and I immediately jumped to “he’s doing it again”. I had several emails drafted to him…most had the phrase “I’m done with you fucking with me”. Ah…. but there in lies the epiphany….I was giving him too much control over my emotions.
I realize now that because of my own expectations, I was making myself feel like I was being fucked with. I was falling back into old habits. And, yes deep down inside, a part of me still craves the attention from him, the connection we shared. I was creating my own hell all over again. This is all so twisted and messed up. Why was I falling right back into the hell of emotional dependency? It sucks to be there! And…this was all my own doing!!
So…I reset my expectations to basically we are just friends who are checking in with each other from time to time. Nothing more than that. No romantic expectations, no emotional expectations…just friends. We can’t see each other…live 100’s of miles apart. We are limited to the brief minutes on the phone when he is by himself. Can’t rebuild much in those brief random minutes. Resetting my expectation has made a HUGE difference.
I no longer feel like I’m being fucked with if I don’t hear from him for a couple of days. The irony is …. he hasn’t done anything different. I just changed the lens I was looking through.