Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways. Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away. I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.
Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near?
I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.
The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen.
After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January. At first I was hearing from him quite often. However, lately his responses have become farther and farther apart. With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder. That draft folder is growing. There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago. In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain. They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P. He deserves every single razor blade cutting word. Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up. Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?
When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things. I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years. When I voiced my doubt, he knew just what to say. I fell for it all over again. I let my guard down. Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know. I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not. But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.
We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week and he told me not to go to that dark place. I told him he makes it easy to go there. More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon. He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.
Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder. It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me. Pathetic.
My thoughts lately have drifted from one end of the spectrum to the other. Some days my thoughts are consumed with hurt, pain and distrust by and for P. Other days are more peaceful ….those are the days when I let go of those tormenting thoughts.
No matter how bad it hurts or how bad you feel, it’s time to stop thinking about that person who played with your feelings, who took your love for granted, who never appreciated your care, who wasn’t contented with what you could give him or her. You can’t stay at that hurtful place anymore. You can’t keep shedding tears over someone who doesn’t deserve the love you gave. You can’t keep feeling sorry for yourself and thinking if only you did more. You can’t make them want the relationship because if they wanted they wouldn’t have let go of you. You deserve better now. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who won’t play with your delicate heart.. Just like a cut on your hand will take time to heal, your broken heart needs time to heal as well. That’s not the end of your life. You will get over that pain you’re having right now and one day you’ll be happy again.
Last time I heard from P. was November 2015…over a year ago. I’ve called a handful of times and sent a couple emails but had no contact since last July. Until last Friday….when the Flower Petal Roulette landed on “I let him go Not”.
I called him and he actually answered. My number was blocked so he didn’t know it was me until I spoke and then he hung up on me. Either his presumed wife was there or he was still being coward. I called back and of course it went to voicemail. I told him I needed 15 mins of his time and then he would never hear from me again. I never heard back from him until today.
I opened our email to send him a farewell email. I was closing our book and doing what he should have done when he left the first time. But when I opened our email, there on the screen was an email from him.
I’m in shock, numb. I’ve just been staring at the words on the screen. “Hi Baby, I’m still here. I haven’t left you…….”. Really?!?! I don’t know if I’m angry, relieved, sad. I feel sick on my stomach. I think I was already prepared to not hear from him.