“Why don’t you smile anymore..”

“Why don’t you smile anymore, mommy?

A question my young son asked me this morning.

Because life stole my smile buddy.  I’m not living the life for me.  I’m living the life that has been created around me,  one I don’t I fit in but one I’m trapped in. 

I just looked at him smiled and gave him a big hug before he could see the tears fill my eyes.

This is the life I once longed for…

I spent 10 long years in a horrible, abusive relationship.  I longed for the life I have now…one of safety and security with a man that is emotionally stable and financially responsible, doesn’t have anger management or rage issues or addiction problems. 

I need to remember that when I’m feeling unsatisfied with my life. Out there, there is someone like I once was longing for this life. I shouldn’t take it for granted. 

Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life!! Enjoy yours… If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely..!  All good will come back to you.
Dr. Ben Carson

Coffee Escape 

I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment. 

What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.

My coffee cup is empty….back to reality.

The Girl In The Movie

This weekend I was watching a movie.  In the movie was a woman full of life. When she smiled, her face lit up.  Her laughter was contagious. Even in the scenes when she wasn’t smiling, happiness radiated off her. She seemed so confident and carefree.  I want to be her.

The woman in the movie was me.  That movie was a home movie of my husband and I before we were married, before we even moved into together, before we had children…before we were watered down.  A time when we were “Juice Concentrate” .

I watched her, wondering what happened?  Where did she go?  Where did that loving couple go that was in the movie?  How did we go from light to dark?  More importantly can we get that back?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  How does any relationship survive the watered down effect of life?  How do you stay strong as a couple when the distractions of children, work, a house threatening to drown the love you once shared?  Can we be saved?

Time will tell….

 

Losing emotional weight and keeping it off

Over the last 2 months, I’ve lost some emotional weight.  As with body weight, one has to work at keeping off the emotional weight or it can creep back on….unless you are one of those lucky people with a super high “happy” metabolism. You guys are inspiring.

Yesterday I had a rough day. Today didn’t really start off any better. I’m starting to feel the emotional weight coming back on. I’ve worked pretty hard to lose that weight and I don’t want it back.

I’m forcing myself to emotionally workout….
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