I think this is called a “sign”…

This appeared in my inbox. I can hear it screaming at me to pay attention to the message. 

Advertisements

Bridge to No Where

img_0364The more steps I move forward the more distance I put between me and my x-ap.  Often the journey is 1 step forward 3 steps back, brush myself off, lick my wounds and proceed with another step forward.  As the steps between us begin to accumulate, one thing remains….the proverbial “bridge”.   It’s a rickety old bridge and not safe to cross at all but there it remains.  A final “good-bye” would be the match that torches the bridge. However, I have not been able to burn it down.

I believe my x-ap is also not willing to burn down that bridge.  Neither one of us has actually said good-bye even though our paths forward take us further and further away from that bridge.  Who knows if we will ever return to that crossing but there is a weird and probably false sense of comfort in knowing its still there even if it is the bridge to no where and no longer.

Memories – Double Edge Sword

I’m afraid to relive memories with P. (x-ap) but I’m also afraid to not relive them.  To relive them brings sadness, longing and yes..regrets for what is gone.  But…if I force those memories out of my mind and heart, they begin to fade.

Fading should be a good result considering the circumstance but it causes panic as well.  If the memories have the ability to fade from my mind and heart, that means they have probably already faded from his.

I don’t want to lose the memories.  If I lose the memories, I lose what is left of us.  But if I keep the memories alive, I keep the sadness alive as well.  Double edge sword.

Closing The Book Instead Of Turning The Page

wpid-c5d20d83d9d2eff62ab4818732d09f32.jpg

 

There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book.  I’ve been flipping pages awhile and it’s been a sad one-sided story.  It is now time to close that book.

Just over a week ago, I sent “him” my final farewell email.  It’s was about the 10th farewell email I’ve written over that last couple of months but the only one sent.  In hindsight, I’m very glad I didn’t send the other farewell emails.  They were written at times when raw emotions were in control of the keyboard.  This last  one was written from a place of acceptance. 

I have no idea if “he” will ever read it and I honestly don’t care.  I think I wrote that letter more for me as a way of moving on, letting go.   I spoke my peace from a calm, level-headed state of mind and sent it off.  Just like the balloon in the quote above. There was no hatred, hurt or manipulation in the words just pure acceptance.   I realized that I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I continue to react to it.  I finally reached a point where I no longer want to react to it.  It was necessary for me to create my own closure.  I know I will never get it from “him”.

I feel a weight has been lifted, the fog is clearing away. I feel a sense of freedom.  A smile is making a reappearance to my face.  I will embrace the laugh lines it creates. While I’m not fond of any facial line (lol)  laugh lines tell a much better story than frown lines.

Media Folder of Pain, Hurt and Rejection

I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post.  I’m happy to report that I’m in a GREAT place.  I was getting ready to create a post about it and then started flipping through my media folder. WOW!  So many quotes dripping with hurt, pain, rejection.  It’s reminder of where I was and where I don’t want to be again.  While the quotes don’t hold the same control over me as they did a once did , I’m going to post some of them…another way to let go and move on.

wpid-20140720-044830-17310837.jpg wpid-cd38df2362f1f0f5ae4146b0a8793bc6.jpg wpid-img_36451053835302.jpeg

  wpid-tumblr_mq5cuz3uij1qkoplho1_1280.jpg wpid-10313377_549814305136101_7794049336572801327_n.jpg wpid-you-broke-my-heart-with.jpg wpid-33389d691d94923f7d9890fca83a08a9.jpg wpid-7dbbccaf8c80424f313054e9e0b6ce48.jpg wpid-bvdtbubcaaaq_us.jpg wpid-7189988c35aa1106ec5e7fd24bc9d8f1.jpg wpid-6264a0415e62d18c5b14dd2dada2e5fb.jpg     wpid-20140720-045103-17463887.jpg

The Sent Text Message and the Overthinker

So I did it..I caved and sent “him”, the OM, a text yesterday morning.  It simply said:

“Why did you runaway, {insert his name}? Why…”

That’s it. One little sentence…plain and simple.

I am an overthinker.  I can analyze the crap out of anything and spend hours doing so.  My mind does not shut off.  It constantly thinks, analyzes.  And…that one little sentence was not excluded.  That one little sentence took me about 4 hours to write and finally send.  Yes, 4 hours. 

I came up with about 10 other versions.  The first one was in my post “The Unsent Text Message“.  I found something wrong with each version.  I imagined his reaction to each one.  One was too bitchy, one was too pitiful, one was too long, one was too passive aggressive, one was broken into 2 text messages, one was too this or too that.   

Then just when I thought I had the perfect words, I started thinking about the best time to send it.  Since I don’t know what’s going on with him, this task was a bit challenging.  When I finally decided on the time, I reread the final text version and decided it wasn’t right…..sigh.  The hazards of an overthinker

Yes….lots of time wasted on that one little sentence.  And you know what I received in return.  Nothing.  It’s been 24 hours and no response.

I purposely sent a text versus an email so I can see that it was successfully delivered (always thinking).  So I know it got to his phone.  While part of me didn’t really expect him to reply, there is always that sliver of hope that the “perfect” words will trigger a response.  Now I’m overthinking and analyzing the outcome of this.  Picturing his reaction when he saw it, thinking about what went through his head. 

My mind is already thinking ahead…..The hazards of an overthinker….