“Why don’t you smile anymore..”

“Why don’t you smile anymore, mommy?

A question my young son asked me this morning.

Because life stole my smile buddy.  I’m not living the life for me.  I’m living the life that has been created around me,  one I don’t I fit in but one I’m trapped in. 

I just looked at him smiled and gave him a big hug before he could see the tears fill my eyes.

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Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

Folder of unsent emails grows

After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January.  At first I was hearing from him quite often. However,  lately his responses have become farther and farther apart.  With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder.  That draft folder is growing.  There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago.   In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain.  They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P.  He deserves every single razor blade cutting word.  Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up.  Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?

When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things.  I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years.   When I voiced my doubt,  he knew just what to say.  I fell for it all over again.  I let my guard down.  Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know.  I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not.  But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.

We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week and he told me not to go to that dark place.  I told him he makes it easy to go there.  More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon.  He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.

Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder.  It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me.   Pathetic.

 

 

 

The Unsent Text Message

Since “he” left unexpectedly July 4th weekend, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride. However recently, I’ve been feeling pretty good all things considered. I believe I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling confident that it isn’t actually another oncoming train in disguise.

 But today….today I’m feeling a familiar weight on my heart. I know this weight well. Today I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment, sadness and the need to know “why”. I want to send “him” the following text message:

“I never thought you would runaway …
and definitely not without an explanation or even a goodbye.
I thought you were stronger, better than that.”

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Juice Concentrate

Relationships…or maybe just mine….are like juice concentrate.

In the beginning, you are so focused on each other.  You are the “concentrate”.  There is nothing watering down the relationship. 

As the relationship progresses, slowly cans of water are added. 

  • Get married – add water
  • Move in together – add water
  • Shared finances – add water
  • Jointly maintaining a household – add water
  • Job issues – add water
  • Children –  add a BUNCH of water and then add some more
  •  etc…  – add water

Before you know it,  the concentrate you once were is watered down, less potent.  It’s hard to find the concentrate you once were but  you know it’s in there…somewhere.

This is my marriage.  We are lost in all of the water, disconnected by it.  I don’t know how to find the concentrate anymore.  I’m blinded by all of the water.

As for “him”,  the beauty or beast of an affair is you generally remain concentrate.  You are focused on each other.  You aren’t in a position to add any water.   However, what would happen if water was added.  If I was honest with myself, we would drown.

I don’t think the concentrate my affair was based on was strong enough to withstand too much water.  On the other hand, I wonder how much longer my marriage will stay afloat in all that water.