This is the life I once longed for…

I spent 10 long years in a horrible, abusive relationship.  I longed for the life I have now…one of safety and security with a man that is emotionally stable and financially responsible, doesn’t have anger management or rage issues or addiction problems. 

I need to remember that when I’m feeling unsatisfied with my life. Out there, there is someone like I once was longing for this life. I shouldn’t take it for granted. 

Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life!! Enjoy yours… If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely..!  All good will come back to you.
Dr. Ben Carson

Coffee Escape 

I’m sitting in Paneras enjoying a nice cup of coffee, escaping life even if just for a moment. Just a moment to be myself, feel the real me for fleeting moment. 

What am I escaping? Roles that don’t seem to fit very well….wife and mother. I feel trapped by my life. The thought of leaving my cozy corner and going home is depressing and overwhelming. But it is my life and I have 3 children that love me unconditionally …why they do, I’ll never understand.

My coffee cup is empty….back to reality.

Girls Weekend Getaway

Every year a life long friend and I load up the car and watch parental and spousal responsibility fade away in the rear view mirror.  

I just came back from this year’s trip.  It was 5 days of just being “me”….not a wife or a mother or a professional or any of the other dozen hats I wear on a daily basis….just “me”.  The person I was before I shared my life with another human being and than 3 more little human beings.  A time when I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and my only responsibility was to myself.  

For the last 5 days, I got a chance to be that person again. It was awesome.  I laughed more in those 5 days than I have all year. We did all the girly things one could think of….pedicure, massage, shopping, eating, yoga, movies. We went to a Comedy Club and spent time on the beach. We also had time for ourselves.  My friend and I are so much alike in that we both need quiet downtime where we don’t have to interact with anyone.  We were perfectly content sitting in the same room reading, surfing the internet or whatever our heart desires and not say a word to each other.  

This also gave me time to reflect on my life choices and the need for an escape. This annual trip is an escape from my life. The affair was also an escape from my own life.  What am I escaping?  On the surface and to everyone around me, I appear to have a great life.  However, somewhere along the way I lost me. Having kids was definitely the point when the last sliver of the old me slipped away.  I know the old me still exists. She was running wild and free these last couple of days.  However, I’m not sure how to fit her into my daily life without escaping it by legitimate and not so legitimate means.  I feel trapped in my own life.  

After the trip, re-entry into my life was bumpy.  Parental and spousal responsibility greeted me at the door and in an instant the old me went back into hiding.  The weight of all my hats came back as I crossed the threshold.  Sigh….

See “me” next year.   

The Girl In The Movie

This weekend I was watching a movie.  In the movie was a woman full of life. When she smiled, her face lit up.  Her laughter was contagious. Even in the scenes when she wasn’t smiling, happiness radiated off her. She seemed so confident and carefree.  I want to be her.

The woman in the movie was me.  That movie was a home movie of my husband and I before we were married, before we even moved into together, before we had children…before we were watered down.  A time when we were “Juice Concentrate” .

I watched her, wondering what happened?  Where did she go?  Where did that loving couple go that was in the movie?  How did we go from light to dark?  More importantly can we get that back?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  How does any relationship survive the watered down effect of life?  How do you stay strong as a couple when the distractions of children, work, a house threatening to drown the love you once shared?  Can we be saved?

Time will tell….

 

Juice Concentrate

Relationships…or maybe just mine….are like juice concentrate.

In the beginning, you are so focused on each other.  You are the “concentrate”.  There is nothing watering down the relationship. 

As the relationship progresses, slowly cans of water are added. 

  • Get married – add water
  • Move in together – add water
  • Shared finances – add water
  • Jointly maintaining a household – add water
  • Job issues – add water
  • Children –  add a BUNCH of water and then add some more
  •  etc…  – add water

Before you know it,  the concentrate you once were is watered down, less potent.  It’s hard to find the concentrate you once were but  you know it’s in there…somewhere.

This is my marriage.  We are lost in all of the water, disconnected by it.  I don’t know how to find the concentrate anymore.  I’m blinded by all of the water.

As for “him”,  the beauty or beast of an affair is you generally remain concentrate.  You are focused on each other.  You aren’t in a position to add any water.   However, what would happen if water was added.  If I was honest with myself, we would drown.

I don’t think the concentrate my affair was based on was strong enough to withstand too much water.  On the other hand, I wonder how much longer my marriage will stay afloat in all that water.