Like A Moth To A Flame

P. and I have continued to email a couple times a week.  I did hear from him when he was up here for work about 2 months ago.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to see it each.  We were able to have some good phone conversations and he finally told me about his new daughter.  Thanks to social media I’ve known since the time she was born a year and half ago.   Most of that time P. and I were in silent mode.  I suspect it was somewhat due to the new baby.  He said he wanted to wait and tell me when we were together so he could immediately address any concerns I had but didn’t want to wait too long.  I’m glad he finally told me.  I was getting tired of keeping his secret.  He says he didn’t get married but does it really matter or not?  He has a new baby with this woman (the one he disappeared with) so the chances of us being together have become more complicated.  He did seem disappointed that he had gotten himself into this situation….his words.

Aside from that, we had some good long phone conversations and were able to catch up on many things and talk about us.  He is ever the optimist and “knows” we will have our time together.  I’m not quite so optimistic about that.   Although to his credit,  I never believed that we would ever actually speak (met online) or see each other or let the relationship go as far as it did.  But he was always sure that all those things and many other things would happen…and they did.

After he returned home, I didn’t hear from him for almost 3 weeks.  My email folder of unsent emails gained a couple of new entries during that time.  Some were telling him to fuck off, some were passive aggressive, some were factual and unemotional and some were a combination of all the above.   The fear of him just disappearing into thin air came rushed back and choked me.  I found myself consumed with it.  And kicking myself for falling for his bullshit once again.

I sent him email with a song reference “Say something, I’m giving up on you”.  I told him that I gave up on him once before I can do it again.  I also reminded him that if he disappeared again he needed to say good-bye.   2 days later I heard from him asking me to never give up on him.  His “mother-in-law” for lack of better words was visiting and he couldn’t find the alone time to write.  Now, I could punch a bunch of holes into that story but I didn’t..

Like a moth to flame, I was drawn back in.

I’ve been burned before and it wouldn’t surprise me if I got burned again and I would deserve it.  I don’t know what the draw is to this man.  I can’t explain it.  He does know a very different side of me that no one has seen.  I wonder if the vulnerability and exposure of that other side has created a connection that I can’t seem to fully break.  The freedom I had with him to fully express all of myself without inhibitions is an incredible high, perhaps it’s just the high of that relationship that I’m missing.  I tried to fill the hole with a similar type of relationship when he left the first time but it wasn’t the same.  Fortunately, that “relationship” finally ended. It could have become a very bad situation (that’s for another post coming soon).

So for now, I continue to flirt with the mesmerizing flame of P.

Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

I’m in shock…

Last time I heard from P. was November 2015…over a year ago.  I’ve called a handful of times and sent a couple emails but had no contact since last July.  Until last Friday….when the Flower Petal Roulette landed on “I let him go Not”.

I called him and he actually answered.  My number was blocked so he didn’t know it was me until I spoke and then he hung up on me. Either his presumed wife was there or he was still being coward.  I called back and of course it went to voicemail.  I told him I needed 15 mins of his time and then he would never hear from me again.  I never heard back from him until today.

I opened our email to send him a farewell email. I was closing our book and doing what he should have done when he left the first time.  But when I opened our email, there on the screen was an email from him.

I’m in shock, numb.  I’ve just been staring at the words on the screen.  “Hi Baby, I’m still here.  I haven’t left you…….”.  Really?!?!  I don’t know if I’m angry, relieved, sad. I feel sick on my stomach.  I think I was already prepared to not hear from him.

Damn….I wasn’t prepared for this.

Flower Petal Roulette

“I let him go”

“I let him go Not”

“I let him go”

“I let him go Not”

…..the petals of my soul fall to the floor.  Just when the last petal lands on “I let him go” and I am feeling strong, another flower appears in the vase…more petals.  I walk away from the vase, smashed it on the floor yet it always reappears, taunting me, pulling me in.   My hand reaches for another flower and the flower petal roulette starts all over.  Today, I landed on “I let him go Not”.  Damn flowers…the thorns hurt, my tears water the flowers….vicious cycle. 

Bridge to No Where

img_0364The more steps I move forward the more distance I put between me and my x-ap.  Often the journey is 1 step forward 3 steps back, brush myself off, lick my wounds and proceed with another step forward.  As the steps between us begin to accumulate, one thing remains….the proverbial “bridge”.   It’s a rickety old bridge and not safe to cross at all but there it remains.  A final “good-bye” would be the match that torches the bridge. However, I have not been able to burn it down.

I believe my x-ap is also not willing to burn down that bridge.  Neither one of us has actually said good-bye even though our paths forward take us further and further away from that bridge.  Who knows if we will ever return to that crossing but there is a weird and probably false sense of comfort in knowing its still there even if it is the bridge to no where and no longer.