Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

I’m in shock…

Last time I heard from P. was November 2015…over a year ago.  I’ve called a handful of times and sent a couple emails but had no contact since last July.  Until last Friday….when the Flower Petal Roulette landed on “I let him go Not”.

I called him and he actually answered.  My number was blocked so he didn’t know it was me until I spoke and then he hung up on me. Either his presumed wife was there or he was still being coward.  I called back and of course it went to voicemail.  I told him I needed 15 mins of his time and then he would never hear from me again.  I never heard back from him until today.

I opened our email to send him a farewell email. I was closing our book and doing what he should have done when he left the first time.  But when I opened our email, there on the screen was an email from him.

I’m in shock, numb.  I’ve just been staring at the words on the screen.  “Hi Baby, I’m still here.  I haven’t left you…….”.  Really?!?!  I don’t know if I’m angry, relieved, sad. I feel sick on my stomach.  I think I was already prepared to not hear from him.

Damn….I wasn’t prepared for this.

Flower Petal Roulette

“I let him go”

“I let him go Not”

“I let him go”

“I let him go Not”

…..the petals of my soul fall to the floor.  Just when the last petal lands on “I let him go” and I am feeling strong, another flower appears in the vase…more petals.  I walk away from the vase, smashed it on the floor yet it always reappears, taunting me, pulling me in.   My hand reaches for another flower and the flower petal roulette starts all over.  Today, I landed on “I let him go Not”.  Damn flowers…the thorns hurt, my tears water the flowers….vicious cycle. 

Bridge to No Where

img_0364The more steps I move forward the more distance I put between me and my x-ap.  Often the journey is 1 step forward 3 steps back, brush myself off, lick my wounds and proceed with another step forward.  As the steps between us begin to accumulate, one thing remains….the proverbial “bridge”.   It’s a rickety old bridge and not safe to cross at all but there it remains.  A final “good-bye” would be the match that torches the bridge. However, I have not been able to burn it down.

I believe my x-ap is also not willing to burn down that bridge.  Neither one of us has actually said good-bye even though our paths forward take us further and further away from that bridge.  Who knows if we will ever return to that crossing but there is a weird and probably false sense of comfort in knowing its still there even if it is the bridge to no where and no longer.