Escape Back To Me

Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days.  A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip. 

For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things.  For the past 2 days, I have been so calm.  I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.  

I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot.  I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me.  Life is good.  I have been the person I used to be.   I wish I knew how to be this in my own home.  I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them.  I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.  

The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me.  I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough.  I don’t want to go back to that person.  I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door.  That makes me very sad. 

Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now.  It doesn’t consume me at all.  That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart.  But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life.  This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.

All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another.  I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do.  But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life.   I just don’t know how to do that.  😦

 

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Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

Folder of unsent emails grows

After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January.  At first I was hearing from him quite often. However,  lately his responses have become farther and farther apart.  With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder.  That draft folder is growing.  There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago.   In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain.  They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P.  He deserves every single razor blade cutting word.  Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up.  Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?

When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things.  I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years.   When I voiced my doubt,  he knew just what to say.  I fell for it all over again.  I let my guard down.  Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know.  I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not.  But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.

We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week and he told me not to go to that dark place.  I told him he makes it easy to go there.  More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon.  He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.

Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder.  It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me.   Pathetic.

 

 

 

No matter how bad it hurts.

No matter how bad it hurts or how bad you feel, it’s time to stop thinking about that person who played with your feelings, who took your love for granted, who never appreciated your care, who wasn’t contented with what you could give him or her. You can’t stay at that hurtful place anymore. You can’t keep shedding tears over someone who doesn’t deserve the love you gave. You can’t keep feeling sorry for yourself and thinking if only you did more. You can’t make them want the relationship because if they wanted they wouldn’t have let go of you.
You deserve better now. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who won’t play with your delicate heart.. Just like a cut on your hand will take time to heal, your broken heart needs time to heal as well. That’s not the end of your life. You will get over that pain you’re having right now and one day you’ll be happy again.