Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days. A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip.
For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things. For the past 2 days, I have been so calm. I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.
I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot. I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me. Life is good. I have been the person I used to be. I wish I knew how to be this in my own home. I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them. I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.
The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me. I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough. I don’t want to go back to that person. I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door. That makes me very sad.
Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now. It doesn’t consume me at all. That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart. But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life. This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.
All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another. I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do. But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life. I just don’t know how to do that. 😦
The idea of “No Contact” is hard. It was suggested that I initiate that in the very beginning of the end. However, I wasn’t ready. I think there is a process that goes along with no contact. That process is different based on the situation and the person. For me, I needed to make sure I tried enough times to know that I didn’t give up prematurely..doing so would have left even more unanswered questions. I now feel confident that I won’t wonder “what if I tried one more time”. I did try, I got my answer which was no answer. I didn’t give up. I let go. I’m ready for no contact.
There was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from “him” again….now I’m afraid I will.
There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book. I’ve been flipping pages awhile and it’s been a sad one-sided story. It is now time to close that book.
Just over a week ago, I sent “him” my final farewell email. It’s was about the 10th farewell email I’ve written over that last couple of months but the only one sent. In hindsight, I’m very glad I didn’t send the other farewell emails. They were written at times when raw emotions were in control of the keyboard. This last one was written from a place of acceptance.
I have no idea if “he” will ever read it and I honestly don’t care. I think I wrote that letter more for me as a way of moving on, letting go. I spoke my peace from a calm, level-headed state of mind and sent it off. Just like the balloon in the quote above. There was no hatred, hurt or manipulation in the words just pure acceptance. I realized that I can’t change what has happened but I can change how I continue to react to it. I finally reached a point where I no longer want to react to it. It was necessary for me to create my own closure. I know I will never get it from “him”.
I feel a weight has been lifted, the fog is clearing away. I feel a sense of freedom. A smile is making a reappearance to my face. I will embrace the laugh lines it creates. While I’m not fond of any facial line (lol) laugh lines tell a much better story than frown lines.
I wanted to quickly capture this moment, this feeling before it leaves as mysteriously as it arrived.
I woke up this morning feeling an incredible and unexplained sense of confidence, of empowerment, of lightness. It feels awesome….like I can conquer anything! For weeks I’ve been feeling weighted down by “why”, feeling like a victim, consumed by hurt and rejection…but this morning, I woke up with a “Fuck You” attitude and a smile.
Not a pissed off Fuck You attitude more like …. I don’t need you, your lies, your cowardice, your bullshit. Fuck you, I deserve better than that so be on your way.
I have no idea where this is coming from so I don’t know how long it will be around. I wish I could bottle it up and every morning have my “Fuck You Drink”. How cool and refreshing would that be?!?!
Over the last 2 months, I’ve lost some emotional weight. As with body weight, one has to work at keeping off the emotional weight or it can creep back on….unless you are one of those lucky people with a super high “happy” metabolism. You guys are inspiring.
Yesterday I had a rough day. Today didn’t really start off any better. I’m starting to feel the emotional weight coming back on. I’ve worked pretty hard to lose that weight and I don’t want it back.
…..you listen to a song that 6 weeks ago strangled your heart, overwhelmed you in grief and caused a flood to pour from your eyes and now, listening to that same song …..there is nostalgic sadness but there are no tears, no overwhelming grief.
It’s an empowering feeling when you realize that maybe just maybe you’ve made it through the worst of the storm and you feel a new sense of strength that encourages you. You know you will be better prepared for the next storm…there will be another storm. This season in my life is not over yet. I know I will survive it.
The best invention ever…the snooze button. I intentionally set my alarm earlier than I need to get up to allow me to hit the snooze button multiple times. Often times I don’t really hear the initial alarm go off but something inside of me wakes up just enough to hit the snooze. Something else happens….and the reason I love my “snooze times”…. Continue reading →