Every Fall I escape all parental and spousal responsibilities for a couple of days. A friend of mine and I jump in the car and had south for our annual Girls Road Trip.
For me, it’s really an escape back to me, the me I was before becoming a wife and mother amongst other things. For the past 2 days, I have been so calm. I have not become frustrated or short tempered or upset or angry or bitchy or yelled or felt anxious at all. All feelings that are a daily occurrence in my “reality” life.
I have laughed a genuine laugh and smiled a lot. I have been completely peaceful, nothing bothers me. Life is good. I have been the person I used to be. I wish I knew how to be this in my own home. I wish my kids could see this version of me or I could be this version for them. I apologized to my husband that he no longer has this version of his wife because I don’t know how to be her in our life anymore.
The thought of going home in a couple of days scares me. I know the re-entry into my every day life is going to be very tough. I don’t want to go back to that person. I don’t like that version but I know she is waiting for me as soon as I step inside that door. That makes me very sad.
Even the drama and bullshit with P. doesn’t even bother me right now. It doesn’t consume me at all. That tells me that he is my escape from my life and when expectations aren’t met there, it justs adds more crap on my shoulders, mind and heart. But right now, in my current state of mind, I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do because I’m at peace while I’m here, away from the chaos of my life. This escape is far better than the one I searched for in P.
All of this leads me to believe that I need to make a change one way or another. I don’t know what that change is or what I need to do. But I need to be able to take this version of me back home and somehow figure out how to keep her in my everyday life. I just don’t know how to do that. 😦
Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways. Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away. I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.
Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near?
I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.
The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen.
After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January. At first I was hearing from him quite often. However, lately his responses have become farther and farther apart. With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder. That draft folder is growing. There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago. In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain. They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P. He deserves every single razor blade cutting word. Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up. Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?
When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things. I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years. When I voiced my doubt, he knew just what to say. I fell for it all over again. I let my guard down. Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know. I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not. But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.
We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week and he told me not to go to that dark place. I told him he makes it easy to go there. More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon. He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.
Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder. It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me. Pathetic.
I’m afraid to relive memories with P. (x-ap) but I’m also afraid to not relive them. To relive them brings sadness, longing and yes..regrets for what is gone. But…if I force those memories out of my mind and heart, they begin to fade.
Fading should be a good result considering the circumstance but it causes panic as well. If the memories have the ability to fade from my mind and heart, that means they have probably already faded from his.
I don’t want to lose the memories. If I lose the memories, I lose what is left of us. But if I keep the memories alive, I keep the sadness alive as well. Double edge sword.
It appears my x-ap has disappeared again. I want to be furious with him and I am in some respect but if I really think about it, it’s me I’m mad at, disappointed with, embarrassed by. After all, I allowed him access to me. I allowed him to wedge into the crack in my heart. I let him back into my head. I gave him a free pass…again. I wanted to believe what he was saying even though many of his comments were confusing, selfish and frustrating.
And why? For what? What was I trying to get out of this communication? What need am I trying to meet with this toxic dysfunctional relationship? Is it lack of self-worth or esteem? Co-dependency? What else could it be…why else would someone not stand up for themselves and walk away from that which is obviously harmful to them? What am I afraid of? I don’t even know. I keep asking myself these types of questions hoping an answer magically appears. I’ve stared hard at myself in the mirror and asked these questions, looking myself in the eye. All I get in return is a blank stare wrapped in confusion.
I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post. I’m happy to report that I’m in a GREAT place. I was getting ready to create a post about it and then started flipping through my media folder. WOW! So many quotes dripping with hurt, pain, rejection. It’s reminder of where I was and where I don’t want to be again. While the quotes don’t hold the same control over me as they did a once did , I’m going to post some of them…another way to let go and move on.