Will he or won’t he?

Last I heard P. was going to be “in town” this week….relatively speaking anyways.  Instead of being 1k miles away he will only be 100 or so miles away.  I think he arrived yesterday but I haven’t heard from him since last week.  

Will he or won’t he contact me while he is near? 

I’ll have an answer in a couple of days and if the answer is no then….I give up. I’m tired of this game.  

The good times we shared are being covered in his bullshit, empty promises and lies. I really don’t want the good times to be replaced with bad memories but…..maybe that’s what needs to happen. 

Who knows what the week ahead will bring…..

Folder of unsent emails grows

After over a year of silence, P. and I started emailing in January.  At first I was hearing from him quite often. However,  lately his responses have become farther and farther apart.  With every absence, another “fuck you” unsent email is saved in my draft folder.  That draft folder is growing.  There are drafts in there from over 2 years ago.   In those draft emails are words wrapped in hurt, anger, disappointment and pain.  They contain all the words, thoughts and feelings that I should throw at P.  He deserves every single razor blade cutting word.  Yet, I don’t send them…it’s so screwed up.  Just looking in that folder, I can see the torment I’ve put myself through and why? Why? WHY?

When we first started emailing again, P. said all the right things.  I wanted to believe him, believe in him and even believe that I wasn’t played all these years.   When I voiced my doubt,  he knew just what to say.  I fell for it all over again.  I let my guard down.  Now that his correspondence have been getting farther and farther apart….I don’t even know.  I’m so fucking pissed at him, yet I’m not.  But, I don’t know that I can keep doing this. Something is missing that was once there.

We finally got a brief chance to talk on the phone last week and he told me not to go to that dark place.  I told him he makes it easy to go there.  More reassuring words blah, blah, blah and when the call ended I was encouraged that we would be talking again soon.  He is also supposed to be coming up here for work and he mentioned getting together….1st time in 3 years.

Yet here we are a week later and all I hear are birds chirping….and another “fuck you” email is saved to the draft folder.  It so easy to let the hurt and anger consume me.   Pathetic.




Memories – Double Edge Sword

I’m afraid to relive memories with P. (x-ap) but I’m also afraid to not relive them.  To relive them brings sadness, longing and yes..regrets for what is gone.  But…if I force those memories out of my mind and heart, they begin to fade.

Fading should be a good result considering the circumstance but it causes panic as well.  If the memories have the ability to fade from my mind and heart, that means they have probably already faded from his.

I don’t want to lose the memories.  If I lose the memories, I lose what is left of us.  But if I keep the memories alive, I keep the sadness alive as well.  Double edge sword.

Disappearing Act 2

It appears my x-ap has disappeared again.  I want to be furious with him and I am in some respect  but if I really think about it, it’s me I’m mad at, disappointed with, embarrassed by.  After all, I allowed him access to me.  I allowed him to wedge into the crack in my heart. I let him back into my head.  I gave him a free pass…again.  I wanted to believe what he was saying even though many of his comments were confusing, selfish and frustrating. 

And why?  For what?  What was I trying to get out of this communication?  What need am I trying to meet with this toxic dysfunctional relationship?  Is it lack of self-worth or esteem? Co-dependency?  What else could it be…why else would someone not stand up for themselves and walk away from that which is obviously harmful to them? What am I afraid of?   I don’t even know.  I keep asking myself these types of questions hoping an answer magically appears.  I’ve stared hard at myself in the mirror and asked these questions, looking myself in the eye.   All I get in return is a blank stare wrapped in confusion. 


Media Folder of Pain, Hurt and Rejection

I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 weeks since my last post.  I’m happy to report that I’m in a GREAT place.  I was getting ready to create a post about it and then started flipping through my media folder. WOW!  So many quotes dripping with hurt, pain, rejection.  It’s reminder of where I was and where I don’t want to be again.  While the quotes don’t hold the same control over me as they did a once did , I’m going to post some of them…another way to let go and move on.

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  wpid-tumblr_mq5cuz3uij1qkoplho1_1280.jpg wpid-10313377_549814305136101_7794049336572801327_n.jpg wpid-you-broke-my-heart-with.jpg wpid-33389d691d94923f7d9890fca83a08a9.jpg wpid-7dbbccaf8c80424f313054e9e0b6ce48.jpg wpid-bvdtbubcaaaq_us.jpg wpid-7189988c35aa1106ec5e7fd24bc9d8f1.jpg wpid-6264a0415e62d18c5b14dd2dada2e5fb.jpg     wpid-20140720-045103-17463887.jpg

The Sent Text Message and the Overthinker

So I did it..I caved and sent “him”, the OM, a text yesterday morning.  It simply said:

“Why did you runaway, {insert his name}? Why…”

That’s it. One little sentence…plain and simple.

I am an overthinker.  I can analyze the crap out of anything and spend hours doing so.  My mind does not shut off.  It constantly thinks, analyzes.  And…that one little sentence was not excluded.  That one little sentence took me about 4 hours to write and finally send.  Yes, 4 hours. 

I came up with about 10 other versions.  The first one was in my post “The Unsent Text Message“.  I found something wrong with each version.  I imagined his reaction to each one.  One was too bitchy, one was too pitiful, one was too long, one was too passive aggressive, one was broken into 2 text messages, one was too this or too that.   

Then just when I thought I had the perfect words, I started thinking about the best time to send it.  Since I don’t know what’s going on with him, this task was a bit challenging.  When I finally decided on the time, I reread the final text version and decided it wasn’t right…..sigh.  The hazards of an overthinker

Yes….lots of time wasted on that one little sentence.  And you know what I received in return.  Nothing.  It’s been 24 hours and no response.

I purposely sent a text versus an email so I can see that it was successfully delivered (always thinking).  So I know it got to his phone.  While part of me didn’t really expect him to reply, there is always that sliver of hope that the “perfect” words will trigger a response.  Now I’m overthinking and analyzing the outcome of this.  Picturing his reaction when he saw it, thinking about what went through his head. 

My mind is already thinking ahead…..The hazards of an overthinker….