I think this is called a “sign”…

This appeared in my inbox. I can hear it screaming at me to pay attention to the message. 

This is the life I once longed for…

I spent 10 long years in a horrible, abusive relationship.  I longed for the life I have now…one of safety and security with a man that is emotionally stable and financially responsible, doesn’t have anger management or rage issues or addiction problems. 

I need to remember that when I’m feeling unsatisfied with my life. Out there, there is someone like I once was longing for this life. I shouldn’t take it for granted. 

Sometimes you are unsatisfied with your life, while many people in this world are dreaming of living your life. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of flying. But, a pilot on the plane sees the farmhouse and dreams of returning home. That’s life!! Enjoy yours… If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets. But only poor kids do that. If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded. But those who live simply, sleep soundly. If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages. Live simply. Walk humbly and love genuinely..!  All good will come back to you.
Dr. Ben Carson

No matter how bad it hurts.

No matter how bad it hurts or how bad you feel, it’s time to stop thinking about that person who played with your feelings, who took your love for granted, who never appreciated your care, who wasn’t contented with what you could give him or her. You can’t stay at that hurtful place anymore. You can’t keep shedding tears over someone who doesn’t deserve the love you gave. You can’t keep feeling sorry for yourself and thinking if only you did more. You can’t make them want the relationship because if they wanted they wouldn’t have let go of you.
You deserve better now. You deserve someone who appreciates you and who won’t play with your delicate heart.. Just like a cut on your hand will take time to heal, your broken heart needs time to heal as well. That’s not the end of your life. You will get over that pain you’re having right now and one day you’ll be happy again.

Note to self…

On the 27th of this month, it will be a year since I heard from P.  The first time he disappeared, he magically reappeared 5 months later. That little stunt gave me false hope that he would reappear after this 2nd disappearance.  That has not happened. On the 27th of this month, I will exhange the comma for a period and walk away from the closed door. 

It is a process…

You have to move on…

I have been through most of this….except the last line. The days of missing P. are getting farther apart but they are not over.

The Creepers

Every once in awhile, those thoughts of what once was creep into my mind and heart. They come with their sharp knives, scissors and hammers and inflict pain on the slowly healing wounds.  

Thoughts are so powerful. They are the driver of how we feel and our daily outlook. It is a struggle every day to see the goodness around me. It is especially hard when the thoughts I’m trying to forget creep in and try to destroy the new seedlings of positive thoughts. 

This….

P. was my firestarter but we were never meant to be together forever…just for a season in our lives. 

History Repeats

“There was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from “him” again….now I’m afraid I will.” September 2014

That is a quote from one of my blog posts 2 years ago.  A few short weeks before that post, I sent my “final” farewell email to my x-ap.  2 years ago!  And yet, I find myself in the exact same place today.  Once again, I pushed through the pain and hurt of P. disappearing into thin air …again.  My last contact was in July and I’m feeling stronger each day.

When allowed to flourish, there is great strength in acceptance.  My hands were tired of holding on.  I held on as long as I could but eventually I had to let go.  We all do at some point….including my x-ap (story for another day).  The calluses remain but with time those will eventually soften.

And so as history continues to repeat itself, there was a time when I was afraid I would never hear from P. again.  Now I’m afraid I will.

Bridge to No Where

The more steps I move forward the more distance I put between me and my x-ap.  Often the journey is 1 step forward 3 steps back, brush myself off, lick my wounds and proceed with another step forward.  As the steps between us begin to accumulate, one thing remains….the proverbial “bridge”.   It’s a rickety old bridge and not safe to cross at all but there it remains.  A final “good-bye” would be the match that torches the bridge. However, I have not been able to burn it down.

I believe my x-ap is also not willing to burn down that bridge.  Neither one of us has actually said good-bye even though our paths forward take us further and further away from that bridge.  Who knows if we will ever return to that crossing but there is a weird and probably false sense of comfort in knowing its still there even if it is the bridge to no where and no longer.